Thoughts before and now
Well, I was never really the girl to want to have children. Obviously my career of choice is one of the least suitable for maternity and I never had the material stability to even think about this. Also, I always had partners, whom were highly inadequate to become fathers.
But, all happens for a reason and once I decided to stop dating passive-aggressive narcissitic sociopaths, I actually met a good man, a man, who from the very first moment made me feel that I would be backed up no matter what and when, he keeps reading my desires, accepts me as I am, and nevertheless, he was superkeen on becoming a father. Yet, we were still to wait a bit, a year or two. (You know just to enjoy the couple time) So getting pregnant just came to us, it just happened. Life is a gift, after all.
I never thought I was to get pregnant this easy, we were not trying, so you bet, I got pregnant right away. So conclusion and a wee advice for you ladies struggling to get pregnant. Sports and clean eating!!!!! Says the girl to you, who was always sick and never in good health, deficient in everything all the time. Healthy mommy, healthy baby. (Yes, my results are all perfect now, 0 deficiencies)
I got pregnant in the middle of a quite demanding contract. 3 shows a night, 5 days a week. I also had a very stressful summer, which really sucked me out physically, emotionally and even moneywise, as we did not get payed for the 2/3 of the job. (Another blog post about this)
I find it kinda nice to know exatly, when the conception was, it was a big constellation of the stars those day, also being at my favorite work place of all times, the Palais Mascotte.
So this baby did two weeks more of shows with me, dropping on my belly on the hoop, doing pole dance and crossfit. Then a couple of days after arriving home I performed at another show, and surely enough trained as one should.
I was quite tired, but hey I performed a month it is normal, I said.
I could not wake up in the mornings, sure, I was a month going to bed around 2-4 am, I said again to myself.
My period is late, sure I was travelling, change of environment, quite normal.
My breats are hurting, period is due for sure.
I had spotting, so every time I was like, hahaa! Now! And later, umph wtf? Where. is. my. period?
Already in Switzerland I was loosing my zen temper during the last days, then home, hysterical breakours aboyt nothing significant.
Boobs hurting even more.
I went to the pole class of my friend Liza, and we did like 30 abs for warm up, and I was all class through weak as leaf. There I started to be suspicious.
Next day, Marlo Fisken workshop, same story, superweak, could not pull through a single new trick, which is unusual. Now I had the very strong hint.
Sleeping problems, blaming it on night work again.
So we bought a test. Daddy and I superexcited.
So it was 3+ weeks positive.
We were and are superhappy, even if the baby came not at the right moment. (just to repeat, I had a job, that left me knocked out in july owing me still almost 2000 euros, and I also got ripped off about 2-3000 euros by other forces of nature at the same time, so the Palais Mascotte gig was still just to half get me out of the hole), but when is the right moment? Well, exactly, the baby knows the best.
Feelings as an aerial artist in training
You see, I’m not doing this since I was 4. I know that I am still training to get stronger, better, more refined and all. So while having this inner desire of having a baby, you also have the inner desire to never have children since you want to dedicate every possible hour to your art and training.
I’m not the strong or the stretchy type, so in each lays 5 years of very hard and painful work. I can say, I take a whole longer to learn a trick, than the general. Now, yes, it seems effortless, but I still want to kill myself seeing people after their first training year doing better.
I am obviously and admittedly afraid of what is to come. I know my body and I know I am not of those girls doing crossfit all through pregnancy.
So, I cheer myself up saying, that if out of the lack of talent I had I got to built this up, I will surely be able to do it again, because I’m determined to do so, while also trying to be a supermom. Then again, I try to stay active, as much as I can.