I bet you are registered at trillion and one casting pages… Me too!
Burlesque performers, circus castings, variete castings, variety jobs, entertainment casting, etc.
But you know what?
I never ever had a job from any of the pages!
In fact I only got outrage and indignation from strolling these pages!
So, now, I am just going to pick apart some of the casting calls that have made me want to jump off the roof of a building.
Since some go back as far as 2-3 years, I won’t quote them exactly.
I am aware that with this post I am likely to loose my last chances to work with mentioned producers that can recognize themselves…
Looking for a multiskilled artist, who have costume making skills as well… for Dubai…
Basically they were looking for someone who was an actual costumier, not someone who could sew a button on.
So yours truly, aerialist on 1-2-3-4 disciplines, pole dancer, posses a fair share of flexiness and obviously even can learn a basic dance coreography, and by the fucking waay is a costume maker…
After about the 4th attempt of contact I get:
“So what else can you do?”
Maybe perform brain surgery while making a chai latte hanging upside down while sewing a button on you ass with my feet?
Looking for aerial acts to perform in a circus show, this is not a nightclub casting, please apply if you can/have experience…
Is there something like a nightclub aerialist? What is that?
Basically implies that you need to be an aerialist, not someone who had touched an aerial hoop a couple of times…
Let’s have a closer look:
An aerialist by deafault can do a show, and the girlfriend of the gogo coordinator dude is not a god damn aerialist! A chick sitting on an aerial hoop or trapeze is not an aerialist! And btw, regarding the inherent danger of the job, no gogo dancer should be sitting around on aerial apparatus on a height higher than 1 meter as most.
work 6 days a week but only perform in the shows (one a day) as there are no other duties.
You will be provided with a room for the full contract.
Fees payed include 3 meals a day, accommodation, travel and 1000 euros per month.
And be like MULTISKILLED!
OMG! Ive been dreaming my whole life about this job! 6 shows a week, needing multiple skills, but I get room and food and some pocket money! And you bet, the waiters would get a higher salary…
1000 euros a month for 6 days a week work! But you only need to do the shows! Easy-peasey, I mean you surely never need to warm up or rehearse ever!
…It’s unpaid but promises to be a great day …
I am sorry, I though that at least we were working for a couple of beers?
11 am, my phone rings… referring to one of my very good friends, Tv show… they want me to perform live…
More specifically they want me to perform pole dance topless live on Tv… I’m sorry at most I could do a burlesque themed pole act that would go down to pasties… THEY WANT TOPLESS!
Btw, how much is the pay and when would be the shoot, if I am to think about it?
Oh you would get a lot of exposure and the shooting would be in 3 hours at the studio.
Comments on casting calls
We are /insert whatever they are looking for/ but oh we are /insert another town from the same cou try/ ah well, maybe some other time…
Congratulation sweetheart you just prooved, that you never ever had a professional gig!
We have our own equipment and costumes and can rig ourselves…
Since when there is a need to say that? Are there acts who cannot then? How do you work without own apparatus?
another favorite of mine:
Costumes clearly bought from the sex shop down the road.
This is the please don’t, there are so soo many costumiers around in all price ranges, just please drop a dime and get a proper costume for fuck’s sake people!
So as for professionalism I would like to direct y’all to this very well written piece:
Annndd Laura on costumes:
I’m not trying to be on the high horse here and pretend I am so perfect, I was an eager newcomer once, I still am not half as good as I would like to be, but I always respected the industry and never underpriced myself miserably.
If we all tried to be the most professional we could be the whole thing would work out so much better.