We have all seen a million and one versions of this meme, right?
In the general artists’ psyche something similar happens, and apparently I am not the only one.
You open facebook, our artists’ websites and you see and read an overflow of glamour and of “Iamthebest” attitude.
As for myself I am desperately insecure in my art, 200% aware where and what needs to be bettered (everything, everywhere, obviously!)
To begin with, being a mostly self taught artist is pretty tough, not having the guidance of a proper program or school backing me up. Never knowing if what I feel right is right at all, other than it works or not.
Asked for CV… uhmmm so what do I put in? “The Honeycup Circus Academy”, a.k.a whichever squat I frequent? Or the unfinished law school, that is completely unrelated?
Up until the past months I constantly told myeslf I was almost, but not quite there yet.
Where is the “there”?
“There”, or pro enough. Where is it? Will I be pro enough when I can heel hang or do that funky spinny move, drop 5 meters on silks, or I wont be shitting my pants whenever I need to work over 10 meters? Be hired by a very recognized company?
Find a pretty good answer here:
So obviosly it is all in my head. By this standard I’m obviously professional, yet I keep questioning myself.
The way I see it in circus you have the completely amateur performers, who are happy to even have a chance to perform, and for any money, on the other end of the scale the Cirque du Soleil level of multi skilled acrobats, that can do literally anything, they won’t have my problems, because their skills and talent are unquestionable, so they must be full of work and success…
And like 80% of circus artists I’m in between, in this great sea of questionability of good enoughness…
What if a coreographer one day asks me to perform a trick I cannot do?
What if I am asked to work on 15/20 meters height and I can’t cope?
What if I cannot do the final trick?
What if I am asked to perform whatever superhighclass dance act and I cannot spin? (never mind I am no dancer)
All paranoias, and what changed?
I sat down to edit a showreel for myself.
Up until the past months I constantly discarded my videos…
Reasons: not skilled enough, not fast enough, not slow enough, stupid face, hoop not spinning enough, a single fail of the point or the knee, a “bad”, that is for me not pretty move with the arms, not enough on the acting and I could go on and on… All in all never perfect.
I was desperately procrastinating.
I was in this bubble of making myself to believe that once I will be “good” enough, work will just flood me unsolicitedly.
I was told, and at the same did figure out myself, it is not like that, even the best acts have to work to get work…
Here comes in, the magical world of marketing yourself…
Circus girl in the burlesque world
A special paranoia. of mine.