The bio monsta!

After spending months on renewing my website, my bio and all my professional presentations, I got to read the bio of a friend of mine which ends with this line:

“Hopefully you enjoyed this “About Me” as much as Dasha has enjoyed writing about herself in third person.”

I mean fuck yeah, true that! I fucking struggle with writing shit about myself, yet I cannot stop stumbling upon pathological liars and performers with hardly any professional experience in the glittery world of burlesque selling as if they had the career of Catherine D’Lish…

When I first looked into burlesque bios I had one thing clear, I wanted to be, just as a performer, “different”. I was mostly inspired by Trixie Little’s story-like bio (like a little fairy tale, very funny and entertaining, while OBVIOUSLY fictional), so I wanted humor, but also wanted to be realistic and hated, that everybody went by “she is like a true star of the silver screen” sceme… Fuck that I said…

Then we (ex-writer and ex-husband) came up with this:

“First off, let it be known that she does not resemble the pin-up greats of the ‘40’s and ‘50’s…cuz they’re all dead! It doesn’t matter where she’s from, it’s where she’s going that counts…”

Fucking genious I thought, then I saw how this bit was omitted from my bio on festival and sow presentations…

Well, go figure, the ever so forward thinking scene cannot handle a bit of sarcasm… (I also believe this bit has something to do with me never making to the BHoF weekend, but might as well be, that I simply suck… like I believe that, haa)

So as of now I’m going to nitpick on pieces of bios that really make my blood boil, but too many love to use…

The professionally trained dancer

Having taken ballet clases or any kind of dance clases in your far away childhood DOES NOT make you a professionally trained dancer… Having seen Dirty dancing twice either… and most all if you have no point or a fairly controlled set of movement then please just DO NOT.

The contorsionist

My personal favorite of the lie factory. I have such a huge respect for contorsionists, such hard work, discipline and pain behind, then you got girls that cannot show off a proper split going by as contorsionists. I would just like to leave a picture of what a real contorsionist looks like… (Dasha Sovik on the photo)
image

The pin-up model

One of the least harmful claims, yet still model is a person who is getting payed for it.

The teacher, the menthor, the tutor or the likes

The fact that you run a burlesque class, or you put on your webpage that you do while not does not make you any of the above.

The “have been on stage since …”

Since the beginning of times… just add two more zeros to it, as you should. But for realz, why do we need this? I mean if you suck it gets even worse, because it says that you spent all these years not getting any better…

The cirque du soleil shit

Yes, there is some kinda database, but could we actually start referring to things that actually happened? So you are in that cirque database, but never did a gig with them or there is no evidence of your claim either, what does that makes you?

The festival queen

Was it for free or did you even spent money on doing it? Well, at the beginning it is great to showcase your talent, but the time comes, when it is not the case any more… So if instead of payed gigs all you have is self financed ego-boosts, there might be a question or two to face.

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