The inside of it all – impostor syndrome and the constant self doubt

I am all support and good words when I teach, I tell you there is no impossible, just go on try and be persistent…

BUT…

Inside of my head lives a voice, a very cruel and crazy kind of a voice.

A voice that with the passing years only gets louder and louder, telling me all kinds of things.

I am a rare breed of girl, that has no problem with her body or her looks, nobody can touch me with that, I am beautiful and my body rocks, it is my honest opinion, just like that. Kaboom, I know that since age 14 and 3/4…

Yet, if it comes to skill and talent and art…

I hate myself deeply, so deeply, it makes it terribly hard to work with me sometimes, or it used to be, because I learned to cut the crap and shut up and only leave a side comment about the fact I am NEVER content with my performance.

I get off stage and the first thing you hear is how shit I did, how floppy my feet was, how I might have skipped a move, or did not extend enough my knees.

At best I watch my videos and I nitpick my “cara de culo” face expression…

What do I think about my career??

That I was just very lucky, that people hired me before figuring out how untalented I was…

That when I began I was ignorant enough to not know how terrible I was, because if I knew…

That nobody is banging on my door for bookings, because they saw me being terrible and would never give me another chance to proove otherwise.

That my flexibility is shit, I am blind to see any of it.

That an aerialist who cannot do a “lavadora” or the kind is just worth nothing.

When I was in the Molino I had days, when a single facial expression unraveled in my head like this:

Woah, the señor must be a retired circus genius and gives this face thinking, “god what does this girl do here!?? She has floppy feet, shit face and bad technique, her acting is terrible, while other artists are without work and are a million times better…” and go on and on…

When a professional friend comes and says it was lovely and clean, I think she is being too nice and just doesn’t want to sink me to the bottom of depression, but really thinks how I should not be on that stage. Yet, when I get a comment about bettering my act I get deeply depressed and full of doubt about everything.

I cannot see my marvelous stage presence, I only see shitty facial expressions and bad port de bras all over, half moves and awkward positions…

Oh and btw, Im over 30 so I am old to even begin with don’t even mention being a mother.

Every success is drop of nothing while every fail is a mountain falling over me.

Right now I struggle to even create a sequence for a video of pole dance.

I am blinded by the perfection of the instagram fake.

My April pole competition was an epic kind of a fail (Exotic Generation Italy), I literally froze and every obstacle just made it worse. I cannot stand being judged and compared like that.

 

 

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