Category Archives: Uncategorized

The social media machine

Well, I broke up with humanity a couple of months back (maybe over a year ago)… Well, with facebook (as you already know), which nowadays feels quite the same…

I could not handle the amount of fake, people put out there, honestly…

Fantasmas, burlesque drama scene, idiots, politics, cronic disease maniacs, people who just can’t handle their drama offline, etc.

Soooo I switched to instagram

a.k.a

The vending machine

Seriously

(I find even straight ads more prominent on instagram, because of the sizes I guess)

Success is whatever “K” of followers, not an actual gig, noooo, but people drooling over their phones “buying” into your fake reality…

I got sick of it right after the major depression and forthcoming artistic crisis it caused me… (yeahhh, it is still little insecure me here)

I thought first, woow so many talented aerialists so many things to learn, soooo inspiring!!

Yeah, just fuck that positivity for a moment…

Same virtual reality, more virtual than reality.

10 videos of marvel a day…

Do you work? Do you have a life? But, most and foremost, when do you train for real?

My point…

I have a family, a life, a pole studio (Insent the ode to self employment here…), a household and when I train I have no time for the perfect 15-45 sec video or the perfect pose… or finding the perfect quote for my perfect picture…

When I train, I have a limited amount of time to make the most of it, no time to set up tripor find the angle and sadly noone to do the footage for me either, less time even to spend on editing all this shit together…

But enough about me.

Let’s talk some instatruth

Caption:

just here hanging out in some hashtag oversplits, wearing my hashtag whateverfitnessbrand clothes, oversplit inspired by hashtag oversplitlady and hashtag evenmoreovesplitterylady, sipping hashtag whichevermusclebrand…
hashtagamillionhashtag keepitreal Ohh and do not forget that from next month you can buy my tutorials from hashtagtutorialsdotcon and sureitissafetolearnacrobaticshathomealonedotwhywouldyoufalloffthatpoledotcom

Do you see how much marketing is smashing you right in the face, while you die of envy and simultaneusly click on evenmoreoversplitteryladys profile in hope of her giving private classes via skype making your zero flexibility into superoversplits in a month or even better in an hour? (let’s forget the perv drooling over another phone, becuase in 10K there are pervs)

Im pretty sure loads of people do it for the instant gratificacion kinda sake of it… (which is something I do not see or feel, not like a donut, sugar rush, happiness, you know)

lovely but tiring, Wearing… drinking… eating… enjoying… farting… and puking…

Everybody intends to sell you something… and if not, then it is just dumb…

Stalkers rewarded, big brother crying

image

George Orwell must be seriously turning in his grave these days… (if you don’t know please google)

Stalkers are scary, yet we put out everything and are more confused when people are not stalking us online!!!

Remember the word “INDUSTRY”

Well, when food turned into an industry we know what happened…
So in one way, it is great that fashion picked up something as healthy as fitness, pole dance and aerial, but there is a BUT.

We need to start to be a bit more cautious with everything and use our comon sense and brains before committing suicide out of the unhappyness the “success” of others create us. (such that sounded very jaded, but be honest…)

We are facing a whole isdustry of selling whatever can be sold, so be careful on the limitless space of fantasy called istagram.

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Burlesque competitions

This post was meant to be part of my “Award winning and critically acclaimed”, but I decided it should be a separate entry to bash the burlesque scene and burn down my shakey bridges all the way… *sarcasm*

Burlesque competitions

At the beginning I was so keen on these. Finally a chance to become that award winning performer I always wanted to be and stop being that *jaded bitter joy crusher* I have been from the very beginning…

I did two World Burlesque Games, the Milan Burlesque Award, an Aerial Silk national competition and a pole dance competition and became very, but very disappointed with competing as a whole…

Why?

In some cases the results were just premeditated in others just unfair, but never fully fair by my scale… (you know Im very critical)

My side:

My skills, my sweat, my tears, my bruises, my hours, my imagination, my costume making were all beaten by, well…. burlesque…. just burlesque…. sometimes pretty mediocre burlesque…

Someone shaking her titties in a rather cliché classic burlesque act vs. all that much more.

At my last WBG, I closed the night, and brought the house down, but I was not worth of being among the actual 5 acts (for 3 spots) that were given prizes… (here I need to say, that  I had a wee tangle at the splits, but that could count on a professional aerial competition not on a burlesque one… and I also insert that among the awarded there were also mistakes or “malfunctions”)

A badly executed split overruled the aerial oversplit in 5 meters…

But hey, I can go home and cheer up by struggling on to find the next gig, the next contract, while the part time performer goes home to the cushy fact of having another income and polish her prize and get a new body harness to be a little bit more like the others…right?

Categorize me

There is no proper category for a circus act in a burlesque competition, you are the odd one out eternally. At WBG I was constantly put in the international category which by the way had the most performers, while the Twisted Crown went with around 5 performers, so draw your own conclusions from there.

Proper circus vs. Circus themed burlesque act

Do I have to explain HOW disrespectful it is towards circus? You actually value in this case the “expensive” copy more than the original. A girl prancing around in a clown suit more than a performer that has some tiny thing to do with circus, like spending here LIFE there.

Story time:

You see, even I had a story with this, back in 2010 I was preparing my black clown act, a caracter based aerial hoop act ,and you bet the caracter was a clown! I was working with Chris Bull and Loco Brusca, so who better than this two to ask for advice, right?
Well, I learned a lot there. Chris got a rant on the topic that he almost made me cry, literally. I expected some nice advice and I got this massive rant about how NOONE who is not a proper clown should even put on a clown nose! Then Loco was a lot milder and just told me to do whatever I wanted, so I went on preparing the act, but maaan that rant just opened my little ignorant eyes about loads of things.
We cannot just say pick something up without consideration,  this is what all the cultural appropiation debate goes around about in fact.

Should we all do whatever we want?

Absolutely!

Should people get more praise for an imitation than for the original or authentic?

Not quite sure.

(So here imagine in parallel a performer with whatever different than white racial background doing an act in her grandma´s  traditional costume, honoring the ancestors, etc. vs. a full blown stereotypical/childish/stupid imitation and then the imitation getting the praise and the prize)

At the Milan Burlesque Awards things did went so far, that at the end I could hardly look my friends in the face, because of how I felt by the results and various circumstances.

For the pole dancing competition, while disqualified for wardrobe malfunction, I failed to realize, that whatever I was to do on that stage it was organized by one school and that school always had its own ideas. So it was literally said out “she would have come out second, if that malfunction did not happened” I mean, really? because they only saw 1/3 of the act struggling with my top, jeopardizing the whole choreography.

My aerial competition was railroaded (by my teacher, who was the organizer, too) from the beginning, so I ended up unprepared. From constantly telling me how my music was not right, to all other details upcoming the competition. I also failed with my the preparation of my big drop…

At the end,the music I brought first for my act, ended up the music of many acts choreographed  by my teacher for other students, and the drop and other tricks ended up becoming the signature tricks of other students. (Note, those tricks were not mine, but at the time fairly unseen.)

 

Reckonings over flexibility

Flexibility! Oh flexibility!

Are you on instagram?

Yes?

So apart of the insanely talented aerialists, that flow lika awwww and make up new moves as you blink, you also shove the flexibility success stories in your own face daily?

I bet you do!

So forcibly maintaining all the positivity…

You are not alone! Dear unflexy friend!

So here is : chick with a before picture of outofthisworld flexibility and *insert waytooshort timespam* and after picture of pictureperfect contorsionism…

and you, working your shitty little oversplit for like, the last 5 years…

Then everybody telling how you should try new methods, or that you might not work hard enough blahblah…

Well…

You are not alone my friend in the club of the stiff as a steel bar.

I started stretching at age 18, I was stiffer than a stick…

Obviously I had no idea how to do it, but this way I got till age 24 with at least some crappy splits…

Then came circus in my life and massive amounts of stretching… proper professional, good training, assisted by professionals…

I spent years stretching almost daily, in fact my rountine was 6 days a week, until I found Dasha, with her I managed better results with only deep sretching twice a week…

Anyway, pregnancy break, baby break etc.

I am pretty sure I am not the only one enviously looking at these success stories, that even put ‘oh I worked so hard for this…’ well, yes nobody really just gets that flexible (except maybe for Miguel, he was just born with an insane talent – now you ask who is Miguel, right?)

Point is:

You are not alone!

Dear unflexy friend!

I have worked my ass off for the last ten years (more or less intensely) to be flexible, in fact, if I neglect flexibility training I lose it so fast it is miserable.

and yes I want to better, and so I am all over the place with the resistance bend stretching!

Goal:

I would so be happy with my toes steadily touching my head, not just once in a while and upside down…

I think I’m paranoid and complicated…

image

We have all seen a million and one versions of this meme, right?

In the general artists’ psyche something similar happens, and apparently I am not the only one.

You open facebook, our artists’ websites and you see and read an overflow of glamour and of “Iamthebest” attitude.

As for myself I am desperately insecure in my art, 200% aware where and what needs to be bettered (everything, everywhere, obviously!)

To begin with, being a mostly self taught artist is pretty tough, not having the guidance of a proper program or school backing me up. Never knowing if what I feel right is right at all, other than it works or not.

Asked for CV… uhmmm so what do I put in? “The Honeycup Circus Academy”, a.k.a whichever squat I frequent? Or the unfinished law school, that is completely unrelated?

Up until the past months I constantly told myeslf I was almost, but not quite there yet.

Where is the “there”?

“There”, or pro enough. Where is it? Will I be pro enough when I can heel hang or do that funky spinny move, drop 5 meters on silks, or I wont be shitting my pants whenever I need to work over 10 meters? Be hired by a very recognized company?

Hard question.

Find a pretty good answer here:

Are you ready to go pro?

So obviosly it is all in my head. By this standard I’m obviously professional, yet I keep questioning myself.

The way I see it in circus you have the completely amateur performers, who are happy to even have a chance to perform, and for any money, on the other end of the scale the Cirque du Soleil level of multi skilled acrobats, that can do literally anything, they won’t have my problems, because their skills and talent are unquestionable, so they must be full of work and success…
And like 80% of circus artists I’m in between, in this great sea of questionability of good enoughness…

Paranoias:

What if a coreographer one day asks me to perform a trick I cannot do?
What if I am asked to work on 15/20 meters height and I can’t cope?

What if I cannot do the final trick?

What if I am asked to perform whatever superhighclass dance act and I cannot spin? (never mind I am no dancer)

All paranoias, and what changed?

I sat down to edit a showreel for myself.

Up until the past months I constantly discarded my videos…

Reasons: not skilled enough, not fast enough, not slow enough, stupid face, hoop not spinning enough, a single fail of the point or the knee, a “bad”, that is for me not pretty move with the arms, not enough on the acting and I could go on and on… All in all never perfect.

I was desperately procrastinating.

I was in this bubble of making myself to believe that once I will be “good” enough, work will just flood me unsolicitedly.

I was told, and at the same did figure out myself, it is not like that, even the best acts have to work to get work…

Here comes in, the magical world of marketing yourself…

Circus girl in the burlesque world

A special paranoia. of mine.

another post.

The conscious private fantasy world

This is where I live.

Whenever I need to face the “real” world, I get very shocked and wonder how much wronger it all can go?

I don’t want, what other people want, I don’t want what society wants.

I don’t have a Tv.

I don’t buy at supermarkets.

I don’t eat that manipulative publicity.

I still wear clother I made myself at age 15.

I think my body is perfect, yet this has nothing to do with anything.

I plant tomatoes. I also kill my plants quite often….

I do my best to generate less waste, yet I do buy chocolate, separately packeged.

I care about my health, yet I am not a fanatic.

Blabla.

In the middle of a big city, I live a completely different life to the others.

And I think you should as well.

I’m not talking about manic pixie whatsoever crazychick style, because that is also a pose.

Either instamaniac vegan cook or crossfit wannabe style.

We need authentic people, we need no wannabes.

We need consciousness. Care and attention payed to something other than yourself.

Generate less waste, pick up the garbad and take it to the bin, leave the nature clean.

The point is that we all live in our private little worlds, but we do not need to necessarily ignorant selfish bastards. There is a fine line between (like the Grand canyon) being commercially manipulated and consious living.

We need to be more critical, ask why a whole lotta more often and accept not the unacceptable…

Just a block from my house there is a huge billboard advertising breast augmentation, with a model in underwear. NOBODY, but nobody questions that!? Yet, when you ask to not to be given an extra plastic bag with your food (intended to be bought at the counter) you are questioned with a sigh and bad manners.

The problem with the alpha-femaleness

Lately there are just way too many blogs and articles popping up getting into how fearless, kick-ass, empowered, alpha, rocking, self-sufficient, etc women are, or should be.

image

I find it problematic, moreover confusing.

If I was to be one of the above do I need any article carassing my ever so healthy self esteem?

Giving me a list of my ‘longcomings’ (yes, I just made this word up) and brilliance? (point 1-5. Check! awww, shit 6. Ain’t me, urghh better make it then??WTF?)

Let’s take this clear and face forward. Belonging or not to any of the above, not so defined cathegories.

We all want to belong there.

Why?

What 21st century woman wants to be any of the opposite?

We have the bar set up pretty high, and with it we, women, once again got to score a goal against ourselves.

We gather in little hordes of girlfriends, mostly single, desperate and insecure to the bone, to fuel that little self esteem we hide to face the big bad world all alone…

So what we really have is loads of half-way successful (mostly never succesful enough by default) little girls trying to fill that big girl pants society and/or family and/or partners (oh yes, love, yes) entitled them to wear.

In result, we are a generation raised by seriously dameged goods as parents.

I see our parents as grown old children, who only saw the aim of growing up to being able to pay all the damage done by the authority of society and family upon them straight back to the next generation. (This is a simplified take)

They flew from under the wings of their parents straight into marriage and parenthood without ever facing their shortcomings, and there they started to pay it all ‘back’.

Do you still get relationship advice, if not straight obligations from your mom, who have not had a sexual relationship for years, not even with your father, who she lives with?

Career advice from your life-long stay at home mom?

Advice from dad to tone down the boogie in your feet and be calm, stay at home do nothing at age 16-20?

And examples can go on forever.

They are damaged goods raising another generation of damaged goods.

We need to break the cycle.

Become who and whatever we actually are. Not only superhero, self-sufficient, lady crossfit wonder woman types.

I would be lying to say I do not consider myself a strong woman, but I did a serious internship with life, my own life! Not, what mom and dad wanted or my boyfriend or my husband, or society or what other else outer force.

I learned, the hard way, I was damaged goods, doing all the fuckups damaged goods do.

Was I superladywonderwoman when I was married to a full blown psychological abuser (shadow man, as coined here: http://kellymarceau.com/sexy-conscious-awake-women-shed-light-on-unconscious-shadow-men/)?

No way, but I had shit to put in place in my head and I did.

Now it is over, not over yesterday, but over years ago, and I still am cautious about what I go around advising others in a similar situation.

What I see now is little girls fiddling in their enormous big girl pants, reparting life advice like candy without the leastest of ideas.

And I, need to admit, am one of the causes. I self-trained many of these girls, suprised by people’s abilities of twisting shit around, let that be example or advice.

And now, car crash.

I did spent hours helping a friend set up her local performer prices, just to see her 6 months later doing low end gigs for 25 euros a night at a place, that is only taking her to a mental institution.

I set another friend in the direction of aerial arts just to listen to her talking to a cirque the soleil aerialist, selling herself as the most professional aerialist, while she haven’t touched an apparatus in a year.

I was a personal psychologist, big sister, half mom, flatmate and whatnot to another friend, just to be asked to carry suitcases in my 4th month of pregnancy, not being able to clean my ass in the toilet without her talking, complaining and self assuring, and then after all, she leaves with a days notice, leaving us flat bankrupt with the rent to be payed in 2 days. She, the one now giving relationship advices, as a good alpha female, without being able to hold up a healthy, not abusive relationship in the last 5 years… Leaving the stage all hurt and victimized, but getting onto the wild as the aplha queen of the universe, whose life is so exceptionally hard…

Whose fault is all this?

Mine!

Why?

You cannot train alpha females!!

It is not an english language course. So here comes the uselessness of all articles about how one is like or should be.

Because the real ones are a million other way… here would come the punline of and they give no smokin’ sh#t about your opinion… but not even that, they might even do, if you are someone worth listening to.

Find your own way and personality please and forget about these self assuring articles.

We are human, we all need to learn.

Xxx

Dressmaking – ranting it

We live in an utterly fucked up world.

Where we are happy to fight in defence in our own rights and own wellbeing, but close our eyes and look the other way, when it is about somebody else’s.
In fact, we even try to force a beneficial injustice for us whenever we can.

Let get back to me the dressmaker.

I started to make custom made pieces back in 2008, when I failed big time…

Wanna know why?

I believed what my costumers told me.

“oh, but XY costumier does this whole thing for me for less than 200 euros. ..”

Talking about: a fake leather g string, bra, corselette, shorts, big tull skirt, a head piece and a jacket. Designed, sewed and lavishly hand decorated….

So she wanted better than that, but for less money.

I started my piece in question and realized how I will hardly make the price of material out of the sum.

Then, another, a seemingly simple lycra piece… have you ever sewn lycra? Could you do it for 30 euros? Well only the material needed surpassed 20 euros. (long dress)

The patterning? The labour? The machinery? The knowledge? Queeze that in 10 euros, cuz y’know, a poor little stripper getting at the time 120+ euros per day cannot afford paying you more than 2-3 euros an hour?

And now, back to 2015.

I started my new project out, with the massive input from my baby daddy, who is responsible for the purchase of the industrial machinery I own, so that his little preggo momma wouldn’t be bored at home.

What goes into a dress?

Design.

This part surely has no monetary value, just ask any fashionista…

Pattern.

Obviously, we just eye measure and hand draw and kabooom. Magic happens.

Hours.

After this sudden sparkle of magic, this pattern just multiplies itself into different sizes, flies and sticks on the textile and cuts itself.

Fabric.

If you see 0.2 m2 of fabric approx of a dress then it obviously means the pattern was made out of 0.2 meters of fabric, right? We all know, that you can buy a 20cm x 20 cm square at the textile shop, right?Which must be something dirth cheap to get out there, even, must be something you find for free on the street!

Then you sew this all together in less than 5 minutes.

Knowledge.

You were born with this talent, you could just handle industrial machinery by nature and from the age of 5. (Apart of having slipped out fearlessly from your moms womb in an oversplit position to also become an effortless circus artist)

Let’s start this again, shall we…

Design

People get degrees in this field, although I’m against the whole educational system, but still then, you need basic drawing skills and fantasy of the tonload. (you can also copy, why not? It’s good for you…)

Pattern

Someone has to make a pattern, draft the sizes and cut them out.

Pattern making is at least a two year long school, or without schooling, still massive hours inverted in self education.

Also: space for a table, paper, markers, french curve (the f**k is that you ask….)

At the beginning you just use the living room floor, so I did at age 12, or I do whenever the piece is bigger than my table.

Hours

Once you have your little dossiers of patterns set up (that never mix up, never get lost and never get teared, so you never have to redo then, obviousity here).

You just cut them….

Erh.

You draw or pin them (forget this on lycra or thin material) on, cut one by one, or two by two, at the bestest of strength I would stop by 3 pieces of fabric on top of each other at once. (or cutting machine… which is another investment)

If you draw, you cannot write “FRONT” and “BACK” with a marker in the middle obviously. You want to draw so that once sewn no drawing is seen.

Fabric

Patterns don’t just mash up on the textile. They have a direction that needs to be followed. So you might push a piece 20 times next, on top and all over the fabric, but most likely once cut out 19 pieces sewn will end in the garbage or stay for personal use, as are not sale quality.

So in any case a surplus of fabric has to be counted for mistakes, because people still make mistakes.

And now you sew all together, carefully, so you won’t cut the pattern into half with the serger, many times with elastics you need serious pinning before passing it with the machine, to avoid distortion of the pieces, pinned so that it won’t show pin marks once you are done.

So here goes the done in 5 minutes bubble.

Knowledge

Apart of taste and talent, it obviously includes knowledge.

Oh and knowledge of the machinery, that brings in a costy detail, the specialized mechanic, who might as well charge half of your kidney to figure why a stitch skips…
(I’ve been fighting my kansai coverstitch for about 3 weeks and I am giving up, will need to call a mechanic)

Competing with the sweatshops

Have you ever researshed this topic? Do you know what you wear? Where it comes from?

Yes, a top in big brand shops is dirt cheap. Made in a questionable country under questionable circumstances, and by, well, not so questionable almost slave labour.

If you ask me, I rather buy a 30 euro cloth diaper made by a young mom in the north of Spain, than 10 euro made in China piece, cuz it’s cheaper… (In this case for the benefit of a baby bum)

Costumers

Please stop being %@##&%%^!

You want it all! Bigger, better, shinier, comfier, more durable, but cheaper than the underwear in a chinese store…

I’ve just been around trying to sell my shit here in Bcn, good God, people, I already desire the end of the world to come.

So here’s this (terribly done zigzags, awful pattern, etc. Let’s call it a dress)

Can you make it cheaper than…?

Wtf?????

I offer quality here. Quality, that calls someone’s attention from the other end of the room to come take a closer look, just like that.

Not wanting quality is not taking yourself seriously on the first place…

What does a sex-shop bought factory made unitard say about an artist?

What does a garnment so not well done, that others wouldn’t let their kids going to a Halloween party in it, tell about you as an artist?

Or on a sport championship?

It says CHEAP!!!

Do you go into Zara or Mango and say ‘hey, this dress is pretty, but can you sell it to me for the half of the price, since it’s only serves to out a fancy evening, so I won’t be using it that much.’

So, this is how that ‘I cannot afford spending so much on a piece I will be putting on once or twice sounds like in a different context…

Durability

I own yoga stuff from the chinese, they are good for 6-12 months, then cleaning cloth, or at best undone seams all over the place….

The pieces you get from a quality costumier are in most cases bulletproof.

The individual producer vs. The factory

Remember history class? Industrialization?

Craftsmen -> Manufacture -> Factory?

The costumier is a craftsman not a factory.

A factory has material by the ton, machines equipped and calibrated to only do the tiniest detail, if necessary. Workers only doing one single task, like a machine only to sew the necklines of the T-shirt.

Rollers, pullers, binders, overlocks, different coverstitches, the people, they just pass the product on and do their detail.

Whereas me and my kind we do it all by ourselves. We need to change machine settings, set up the thread, handsew, cut, decorate, measure, pattern, etc.

Plus.

Buy the materials!! That can take hours of our lives, and nope, it is not fun, it is work.

And once again, the fact that I like my job doesn’t mean it should not be payed.

So, after my negative hate the world rant.

Please appreciate other people’s work, let it be of an artist, a costumier, or your regular cashier in the supermarket.

Xxx