Category Archives: Uncategorized

I think I’m paranoid and complicated…

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We have all seen a million and one versions of this meme, right?

In the general artists’ psyche something similar happens, and apparently I am not the only one.

You open facebook, our artists’ websites and you see and read an overflow of glamour and of “Iamthebest” attitude.

As for myself I am desperately insecure in my art, 200% aware where and what needs to be bettered (everything, everywhere, obviously!)

To begin with, being a mostly self taught artist is pretty tough, not having the guidance of a proper program or school backing me up. Never knowing if what I feel right is right at all, other than it works or not.

Asked for CV… uhmmm so what do I put in? “The Honeycup Circus Academy”, a.k.a whichever squat I frequent? Or the unfinished law school, that is completely unrelated?

Up until the past months I constantly told myeslf I was almost, but not quite there yet.

Where is the “there”?

“There”, or pro enough. Where is it? Will I be pro enough when I can heel hang or do that funky spinny move, drop 5 meters on silks, or I wont be shitting my pants whenever I need to work over 10 meters? Be hired by a very recognized company?

Hard question.

Find a pretty good answer here:

Are you ready to go pro?

So obviosly it is all in my head. By this standard I’m obviously professional, yet I keep questioning myself.

The way I see it in circus you have the completely amateur performers, who are happy to even have a chance to perform, and for any money, on the other end of the scale the Cirque du Soleil level of multi skilled acrobats, that can do literally anything, they won’t have my problems, because their skills and talent are unquestionable, so they must be full of work and success…
And like 80% of circus artists I’m in between, in this great sea of questionability of good enoughness…

Paranoias:

What if a coreographer one day asks me to perform a trick I cannot do?
What if I am asked to work on 15/20 meters height and I can’t cope?

What if I cannot do the final trick?

What if I am asked to perform whatever superhighclass dance act and I cannot spin? (never mind I am no dancer)

All paranoias, and what changed?

I sat down to edit a showreel for myself.

Up until the past months I constantly discarded my videos…

Reasons: not skilled enough, not fast enough, not slow enough, stupid face, hoop not spinning enough, a single fail of the point or the knee, a “bad”, that is for me not pretty move with the arms, not enough on the acting and I could go on and on… All in all never perfect.

I was desperately procrastinating.

I was in this bubble of making myself to believe that once I will be “good” enough, work will just flood me unsolicitedly.

I was told, and at the same did figure out myself, it is not like that, even the best acts have to work to get work…

Here comes in, the magical world of marketing yourself…

Circus girl in the burlesque world

A special paranoia. of mine.

another post.

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The conscious private fantasy world

This is where I live.

Whenever I need to face the “real” world, I get very shocked and wonder how much wronger it all can go?

I don’t want, what other people want, I don’t want what society wants.

I don’t have a Tv.

I don’t buy at supermarkets.

I don’t eat that manipulative publicity.

I still wear clother I made myself at age 15.

I think my body is perfect, yet this has nothing to do with anything.

I plant tomatoes. I also kill my plants quite often….

I do my best to generate less waste, yet I do buy chocolate, separately packeged.

I care about my health, yet I am not a fanatic.

Blabla.

In the middle of a big city, I live a completely different life to the others.

And I think you should as well.

I’m not talking about manic pixie whatsoever crazychick style, because that is also a pose.

Either instamaniac vegan cook or crossfit wannabe style.

We need authentic people, we need no wannabes.

We need consciousness. Care and attention payed to something other than yourself.

Generate less waste, pick up the garbad and take it to the bin, leave the nature clean.

The point is that we all live in our private little worlds, but we do not need to necessarily ignorant selfish bastards. There is a fine line between (like the Grand canyon) being commercially manipulated and consious living.

We need to be more critical, ask why a whole lotta more often and accept not the unacceptable…

Just a block from my house there is a huge billboard advertising breast augmentation, with a model in underwear. NOBODY, but nobody questions that!? Yet, when you ask to not to be given an extra plastic bag with your food (intended to be bought at the counter) you are questioned with a sigh and bad manners.

The problem with the alpha-femaleness

Lately there are just way too many blogs and articles popping up getting into how fearless, kick-ass, empowered, alpha, rocking, self-sufficient, etc women are, or should be.

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I find it problematic, moreover confusing.

If I was to be one of the above do I need any article carassing my ever so healthy self esteem?

Giving me a list of my ‘longcomings’ (yes, I just made this word up) and brilliance? (point 1-5. Check! awww, shit 6. Ain’t me, urghh better make it then??WTF?)

Let’s take this clear and face forward. Belonging or not to any of the above, not so defined cathegories.

We all want to belong there.

Why?

What 21st century woman wants to be any of the opposite?

We have the bar set up pretty high, and with it we, women, once again got to score a goal against ourselves.

We gather in little hordes of girlfriends, mostly single, desperate and insecure to the bone, to fuel that little self esteem we hide to face the big bad world all alone…

So what we really have is loads of half-way successful (mostly never succesful enough by default) little girls trying to fill that big girl pants society and/or family and/or partners (oh yes, love, yes) entitled them to wear.

In result, we are a generation raised by seriously dameged goods as parents.

I see our parents as grown old children, who only saw the aim of growing up to being able to pay all the damage done by the authority of society and family upon them straight back to the next generation. (This is a simplified take)

They flew from under the wings of their parents straight into marriage and parenthood without ever facing their shortcomings, and there they started to pay it all ‘back’.

Do you still get relationship advice, if not straight obligations from your mom, who have not had a sexual relationship for years, not even with your father, who she lives with?

Career advice from your life-long stay at home mom?

Advice from dad to tone down the boogie in your feet and be calm, stay at home do nothing at age 16-20?

And examples can go on forever.

They are damaged goods raising another generation of damaged goods.

We need to break the cycle.

Become who and whatever we actually are. Not only superhero, self-sufficient, lady crossfit wonder woman types.

I would be lying to say I do not consider myself a strong woman, but I did a serious internship with life, my own life! Not, what mom and dad wanted or my boyfriend or my husband, or society or what other else outer force.

I learned, the hard way, I was damaged goods, doing all the fuckups damaged goods do.

Was I superladywonderwoman when I was married to a full blown psychological abuser (shadow man, as coined here: http://kellymarceau.com/sexy-conscious-awake-women-shed-light-on-unconscious-shadow-men/)?

No way, but I had shit to put in place in my head and I did.

Now it is over, not over yesterday, but over years ago, and I still am cautious about what I go around advising others in a similar situation.

What I see now is little girls fiddling in their enormous big girl pants, reparting life advice like candy without the leastest of ideas.

And I, need to admit, am one of the causes. I self-trained many of these girls, suprised by people’s abilities of twisting shit around, let that be example or advice.

And now, car crash.

I did spent hours helping a friend set up her local performer prices, just to see her 6 months later doing low end gigs for 25 euros a night at a place, that is only taking her to a mental institution.

I set another friend in the direction of aerial arts just to listen to her talking to a cirque the soleil aerialist, selling herself as the most professional aerialist, while she haven’t touched an apparatus in a year.

I was a personal psychologist, big sister, half mom, flatmate and whatnot to another friend, just to be asked to carry suitcases in my 4th month of pregnancy, not being able to clean my ass in the toilet without her talking, complaining and self assuring, and then after all, she leaves with a days notice, leaving us flat bankrupt with the rent to be payed in 2 days. She, the one now giving relationship advices, as a good alpha female, without being able to hold up a healthy, not abusive relationship in the last 5 years… Leaving the stage all hurt and victimized, but getting onto the wild as the aplha queen of the universe, whose life is so exceptionally hard…

Whose fault is all this?

Mine!

Why?

You cannot train alpha females!!

It is not an english language course. So here comes the uselessness of all articles about how one is like or should be.

Because the real ones are a million other way… here would come the punline of and they give no smokin’ sh#t about your opinion… but not even that, they might even do, if you are someone worth listening to.

Find your own way and personality please and forget about these self assuring articles.

We are human, we all need to learn.

Xxx

Dressmaking – ranting it

We live in an utterly fucked up world.

Where we are happy to fight in defence in our own rights and own wellbeing, but close our eyes and look the other way, when it is about somebody else’s.
In fact, we even try to force a beneficial injustice for us whenever we can.

Let get back to me the dressmaker.

I started to make custom made pieces back in 2008, when I failed big time…

Wanna know why?

I believed what my costumers told me.

“oh, but XY costumier does this whole thing for me for less than 200 euros. ..”

Talking about: a fake leather g string, bra, corselette, shorts, big tull skirt, a head piece and a jacket. Designed, sewed and lavishly hand decorated….

So she wanted better than that, but for less money.

I started my piece in question and realized how I will hardly make the price of material out of the sum.

Then, another, a seemingly simple lycra piece… have you ever sewn lycra? Could you do it for 30 euros? Well only the material needed surpassed 20 euros. (long dress)

The patterning? The labour? The machinery? The knowledge? Queeze that in 10 euros, cuz y’know, a poor little stripper getting at the time 120+ euros per day cannot afford paying you more than 2-3 euros an hour?

And now, back to 2015.

I started my new project out, with the massive input from my baby daddy, who is responsible for the purchase of the industrial machinery I own, so that his little preggo momma wouldn’t be bored at home.

What goes into a dress?

Design.

This part surely has no monetary value, just ask any fashionista…

Pattern.

Obviously, we just eye measure and hand draw and kabooom. Magic happens.

Hours.

After this sudden sparkle of magic, this pattern just multiplies itself into different sizes, flies and sticks on the textile and cuts itself.

Fabric.

If you see 0.2 m2 of fabric approx of a dress then it obviously means the pattern was made out of 0.2 meters of fabric, right? We all know, that you can buy a 20cm x 20 cm square at the textile shop, right?Which must be something dirth cheap to get out there, even, must be something you find for free on the street!

Then you sew this all together in less than 5 minutes.

Knowledge.

You were born with this talent, you could just handle industrial machinery by nature and from the age of 5. (Apart of having slipped out fearlessly from your moms womb in an oversplit position to also become an effortless circus artist)

Let’s start this again, shall we…

Design

People get degrees in this field, although I’m against the whole educational system, but still then, you need basic drawing skills and fantasy of the tonload. (you can also copy, why not? It’s good for you…)

Pattern

Someone has to make a pattern, draft the sizes and cut them out.

Pattern making is at least a two year long school, or without schooling, still massive hours inverted in self education.

Also: space for a table, paper, markers, french curve (the f**k is that you ask….)

At the beginning you just use the living room floor, so I did at age 12, or I do whenever the piece is bigger than my table.

Hours

Once you have your little dossiers of patterns set up (that never mix up, never get lost and never get teared, so you never have to redo then, obviousity here).

You just cut them….

Erh.

You draw or pin them (forget this on lycra or thin material) on, cut one by one, or two by two, at the bestest of strength I would stop by 3 pieces of fabric on top of each other at once. (or cutting machine… which is another investment)

If you draw, you cannot write “FRONT” and “BACK” with a marker in the middle obviously. You want to draw so that once sewn no drawing is seen.

Fabric

Patterns don’t just mash up on the textile. They have a direction that needs to be followed. So you might push a piece 20 times next, on top and all over the fabric, but most likely once cut out 19 pieces sewn will end in the garbage or stay for personal use, as are not sale quality.

So in any case a surplus of fabric has to be counted for mistakes, because people still make mistakes.

And now you sew all together, carefully, so you won’t cut the pattern into half with the serger, many times with elastics you need serious pinning before passing it with the machine, to avoid distortion of the pieces, pinned so that it won’t show pin marks once you are done.

So here goes the done in 5 minutes bubble.

Knowledge

Apart of taste and talent, it obviously includes knowledge.

Oh and knowledge of the machinery, that brings in a costy detail, the specialized mechanic, who might as well charge half of your kidney to figure why a stitch skips…
(I’ve been fighting my kansai coverstitch for about 3 weeks and I am giving up, will need to call a mechanic)

Competing with the sweatshops

Have you ever researshed this topic? Do you know what you wear? Where it comes from?

Yes, a top in big brand shops is dirt cheap. Made in a questionable country under questionable circumstances, and by, well, not so questionable almost slave labour.

If you ask me, I rather buy a 30 euro cloth diaper made by a young mom in the north of Spain, than 10 euro made in China piece, cuz it’s cheaper… (In this case for the benefit of a baby bum)

Costumers

Please stop being %@##&%%^!

You want it all! Bigger, better, shinier, comfier, more durable, but cheaper than the underwear in a chinese store…

I’ve just been around trying to sell my shit here in Bcn, good God, people, I already desire the end of the world to come.

So here’s this (terribly done zigzags, awful pattern, etc. Let’s call it a dress)

Can you make it cheaper than…?

Wtf?????

I offer quality here. Quality, that calls someone’s attention from the other end of the room to come take a closer look, just like that.

Not wanting quality is not taking yourself seriously on the first place…

What does a sex-shop bought factory made unitard say about an artist?

What does a garnment so not well done, that others wouldn’t let their kids going to a Halloween party in it, tell about you as an artist?

Or on a sport championship?

It says CHEAP!!!

Do you go into Zara or Mango and say ‘hey, this dress is pretty, but can you sell it to me for the half of the price, since it’s only serves to out a fancy evening, so I won’t be using it that much.’

So, this is how that ‘I cannot afford spending so much on a piece I will be putting on once or twice sounds like in a different context…

Durability

I own yoga stuff from the chinese, they are good for 6-12 months, then cleaning cloth, or at best undone seams all over the place….

The pieces you get from a quality costumier are in most cases bulletproof.

The individual producer vs. The factory

Remember history class? Industrialization?

Craftsmen -> Manufacture -> Factory?

The costumier is a craftsman not a factory.

A factory has material by the ton, machines equipped and calibrated to only do the tiniest detail, if necessary. Workers only doing one single task, like a machine only to sew the necklines of the T-shirt.

Rollers, pullers, binders, overlocks, different coverstitches, the people, they just pass the product on and do their detail.

Whereas me and my kind we do it all by ourselves. We need to change machine settings, set up the thread, handsew, cut, decorate, measure, pattern, etc.

Plus.

Buy the materials!! That can take hours of our lives, and nope, it is not fun, it is work.

And once again, the fact that I like my job doesn’t mean it should not be payed.

So, after my negative hate the world rant.

Please appreciate other people’s work, let it be of an artist, a costumier, or your regular cashier in the supermarket.

Xxx

My criticism of the Burlesque top 50.

This post has been inspired by the yearly Burlesque top 50. Which is based on online voting.

I have been following the Burlesque top 50 for the last years, at the beginning I found it upsetting seeing the lack of, or only one or two European performers on the list. Since Europe has a very beautiful scene going on with loads of mentionable people.(!!)

Yet, mostly I would say the last 3 years the number of European girls started to grow, which I found delightful.

But this year, I am sorry to say that, it just starts to get into the regular scheme of the fame game.

So when voting started my facebook wall was sprouting with performers asking for votes… Which is fine, promote your thing, but shouldn’t this list be about something else, something more??

Contribution to the industry?

So, XY performer, OMG! What an achievement was performing internationally! Including going to the US!!

Really? Is it the person writing the description being too vague or what?

I honestly cannot form an opinion how accurate is the list over US performers, but when I read Sassy MacBurlesquer is a long time community contributor, the owner of the Sassy MacBurlesque School, organizer, producer, performer and archeologist (or let the list be the half), then I think, wow nice job there!

But when mentions of people that one hardly hears of, or at most, there’s a ‘do you know who she is?’ And silence, I kinda get icky.

Call me jealous, but you kinda know I am talking accurate shit right here.

Let me be clear. It is not about the time anyone spent in the industry. (because that measurement is for punks of the 90’s) I have seen people come and go. I have met gorgeous performers, that I have shamefully never heard of before going to a certain festival and meeting them personally.

There’s just so many performers, that I think you seriously need to be the bestest, the uniquest to be mentioned there only for your performerness.(I would mention people like Vicky Butterfly, Lada Redstar, Cleo Vipers, Sharon Davis – yet, their shit is not only and exclusively performerness already)

International-ness?

Excuse me? I personally have no way to be national, since Spain is dead on the burlesque end. (We have what? A show every 3 months, and one school, you don’t even know of, and ehm, 2 and a half performers)

Going to the US of A.

Who goes there?

Bear the truth. Who has the money! Who has the money to buy the somewhat costly tickets, pay the hotel, or be lucky to have a friend wiling to put her up, etc-etc. Setting up an international tour for yourself is in no way childsplay, sometimes even just dropping over to London to perform ends in loosing more money than gaining.

If you are from the UK, pretty much dropping over to the old continent for an unpaid(!) festival gets you to be counted as an OMG! international performer.

Let’s just stop praising people working for free, shall we? Not even a festival, because the producers should drop at least a “symbolic” fee.

The lie of online networking

So your boyfriend is a video editor, a web designer or a photographer…

I don’t even need to continue how misleading web presence can be. I have girls claiming to have ongoing burlesque classes, that have never existed. Greatly cut showreels, that covered horrid performances. (You know there is a reason behind no circus festival accepts cut videos…) Or just simply an online presence of a full-time performer, while you happen to perform once a month in a local show…

And now let me talk about people in Europe worth my special mention and possibly many not getting a mention in that top 50.

Emma Mylan

Here I would say, if you don’t know her, you are not international at all. And if you were hired by her I would count you in on any gig I was ever to organize in the future (with a little exageration).

Who is Emma?

Emma is the producer of Oh la la! Cherie! In Zurich, the owner of Secret Follies burlesque school in Geneva, organizer of the Zurich burlesque festival, pretty much the biggest burlesque producer in Switzerland and one of the former artistic directors of Palais Mascotte (she left in 2010) oh, and btw, she is also a performer. Surely enough she is also a great person and a close friend.

Miss Anne Thropy

Former Paris, current Brussels performer, producer and the artistic director of the legendary sometimes chaotic Palais Mascotte, crazy bitch, zumba enthusiast and trainer (or to be trainer, not sure) and did you know she is a singer too?

Someone should already give her a crown or a couple of awards for her performance, because she is gooood! (Getting me to say that of a classic burlesque dancer is no small deal, or I am just working hard on being rehired next year after the baby, lol)

Lou on the Rocks

The former student of the two mentioned above. (You would not know)
In the last two years she made a hell of a career on the scene. I wanted to pick her as my choice for “only as a performer”, but she produces a couple of shows here and there, but only regarding her international performing, she is one INTERNATIONAL lady. She also is a great tattoo artist.

Juliette Dragon

This is my risky choice, since I do not know her personally, but I know, that she is one core persona of the French and Paris scenes, school owner, Paris Burlesque Festival producer, musician and performer.

Glory Pearl

One can only love a lady that knows to mix pole dance and burlesque… and humor. She also writes…

Why her?

Because she is brilliant, one lady to sweep you off your feet with her brains, we need more of that in burlesque, seriously. We need more women to write well written articles, blogs and less hashtags and selfies. So #intelligentburlesque !

Velma von Bon Bon

We met, but due to running order, I never saw her performing. I want to mention her for achievement… in training! Other than being supercomic and very original. Burlesque, circus performer and compere.

I love to see people taking the circus road, it inspires me and gives me strength to go on myself (and believe me, once I pop this baby out in 5 months time I will be needing serious strength and inspiration to jump back into heavy training)

Lada Redstar

Ok, ok, everybody mentions Lada, there is always a whole lot of a fuss around Lada, how amazing, beautiful, blabla.

She is pure glamour in the veins. Not my all time favorite classic style performer, but there is no going around Lada at the European end of this industry, multiple award winning, etc.

But the thing is.

She does a lot more than just spending a shitload of money on her costumes. She sings and she does a radio show with Lady Lou, which is quite something to mention. She also is one of the very intelligent and educated ones. (She speaks more languages than I do, that is at least 5-6 languages fluently)

Betty Q

She is the corner stone of the Polish scene. She went on mainstream TV and made it big, which is a very-very big of a deal in an eastern european country, or I think in Hungary it would be. Producer, burlesque teacher. She is supercute, very flamboyant in the good sense of it and takes her burlesque seriously.

Chaz and Betty

Another of the no going around them situation. Chaz was big before, but what they achieved together is a lot bigger. I think Chaz was a smart man to tie the know with this lady.

And that is a short list… maybe I add some more later on.

The aerial artist and the pregnancy – part 2

First trimester

The first month as mentioned superactive, not knowing, doing it all, just noting myself not at my best from like week 5. Then the world famous 6th week kicked in and I started to be sick all over the place.
(I was still called very lucky, as I talked to friends that could not get out of bed during the first trimester)

Morning sickness?

I had it in the afternoon/evening, I think I threw up only once, but I know that was due to actively avoiding it with every natural measure.

During the two second months I could literally not train at all, maybe once, that just felt plain awful, I was spitting my lungs just with my general warm up… I was sick enough to not being able to do much, with days, that by making it to the grocery store and back felt like being a champ.

Then you read and hear loads of infos, so what I was told was to keep calm during first trimester and train more during second. (Which was just logical, as I couldn’t anyways) On the other hand I read about other aerialists, that were training up to 4th month with normality and started to back off then.

As you see, I cannot give a shiny crossfitmommy example here for first trimester. My advice is to listen to your body and the baby. Remember you have all the time after to be the iron lady, but you only have this 9 months to build the future health of a person.

Recommendations:

Listen to your body – a basic rule of life, really

Google is your enemy – apparently everything natural and healthy is deadly for pregnancy and causes miscarriage and birth defects. Why? Because there is no studies to proove the contrary… Hence it’s a deadly poison… So, no way, don’t take natural cranberry extract for your urinary infection or to prevent one, go to your doctor and get some antibiotic, your baby will be so thankful for that! (For the weaker minded, I’m being sarcastic here) Anyway, I do research a lot, what I eat, but results might stop you from wanting to eat anything…

Breakfast – solid, I used to be big on shakes before, but that would just come straight back up, so I switched to solid breakfast for pregnancy, it doesn’t need to be a full english breakfast, some toast will do. (I do cashew butter with bio jam on rice whaffels)

Ginger tea – natural, ginger in a bowl of water boiled, add cinnamon and clover and a ligh fruit tea of choice to make it enjoyable. It took my nauseas away instantly. In fact I had a little bottle of a strong broth to add to any drink, in the fridge most of the time. (Although google also says ginger is the enemy)

Forget about strick paleo – you need cookies, dry cookies, dried fruits

Pregnancy vitamins – I thought I didn’t need it, but it does make a huge difference

Energy – or however you would group these methods, I do prana nadi, but I would say yoga, meditation, reiki would all go great

Try not skipping meals – I know, I was all freaked out that I was not feeding the baby well due to my lack of appetite and nauseas, but a little is more than nothing. Oh and food in your belly helps to keep nauseas away.

Don’t overeat – this I think is an advice for the entire pregnancy, as for me, I get very sick if I overeat.

Light stretching is more than nothing – yes, do it. I got very stiff during this period, my overslipt only came back to me in the second trimester.

Hidtrate your skin – I use coconut oil and Madara’s (bio cosmetic brand) sculpturing oil to prevent stretch marks, my friend told me, any cream is good, just start using daily from day one.

Bra – I hate it, I won’t lie, I use sport tops not even bras, but I so desperately hate it! But boobs grow a size in the first trimester, the rest we will see…

I skipped taking protein powders, instead I take care even more about my diet, superfoods, quinoa, cashew butter, godji, hemp seeds, etc. I lowered my meat intake, and try to eat more rabbit and horsemeat, as those are not hormoned (if you can believe anything these days about meat)…

Also read these blogs over the topic:

http://fitmommydiaries.blogspot.com.es

Literally all you want to know about how to stay fit during and after, her workout plans really help me to shift from my general way of training to pregnant. Feels wonderful, leaves you with a decent muscle ache if you are not used to the exercises, but conforts baby.

http://www.laurawitwer.com/2013/01/31/training-when-youre-pregnant-the-1st-trimester/

Aerialist about pregnancy

http://www.aerialdancing.com/blog/?p=269

Another aerialist about pregnancy.

http://www.crossfitmom.com

As it says. Experiencing this state I would not actively recommend anyone doing crossfit (and I am a big fan and half ass doer), I did do short WODs during the first month and obviously I’m still pretty pregnant and healthy. So if you don’t get knocked out by the toilet seat on a daily basis and are not as yuyu as I am (first pregnancy, you bet) you can keep rocking it and here you have loads of infos how to.

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Be back once I will be rolling on my belly in the third trimester.

Karma and choosing the right partner

I keep meeting ladies, who can’t stop yabbering about how much they don’t understand why they cannot find a ‘good man’, cuz they are ‘soo good and kind’ people and where the hell is fucking karma fixing this shit!??

Well, I learned some things spending the last 29 years in this world. So unsolicited life advice from tha Mielitta Cup of Sweetness…

Expecting and blaming karma, God, Allah, luck, our horrible childhood or who or whatever is great, but we, women choose our partners! Or at least we should!

So you obviously see, if you just fell for the dudes sticking or kinda sticking the longest to you, well, I just discovered your first problem and it did not cost you money.

I have personally been through all sorts of nightmarish relationships, drug addict, sexual abuser, passive-agressive sociopath (just like my mother, no coincidence), narcissists of all kinds, the kindest sexual sadist (no kidding), etc.

So you bet, for this array of ‘fun’ you surely need a ‘background’, BUT, talking to friends I realize, that girls with just fine backgrounds also fall in the same ditch.

So why?

Because, they get to think, that all there is…
better with ‘him’ than alone…
too old to be single at age 29…
too old to not hold up a year+ relationship at age 24…
not that pretty…
not that smart…
yadda-yadda…

I tend to say, if you want a good guy you need to clear the way! He won’t come close, if you’ve got an idiot blocking his view.

Assholes are a zillion and one out there, but the good guys, they are a lot harder to find, and many times are taken by the smarter and faster.

I get to realize how utterly important a good partner is right now, now, that I am pregnant. And I thank my bestest of luck to have found this man. I mean, now, I am with a man, 3 years my minor, but a MAN, from top to bottom, I can stay at home, I am taken care of, actually we mutually take care of each other, I do a lot more of a housewife for now, until I can start flying on aerials for a living again. (and hey, if you straight think it’s all about the money, then your values are not at place here, it’s about everything else)

So, if you ever want children, you don’t just want, you NEED a good man. Otherwise you end up having two children and I can tell you, the smaller will be the one giving you less problems.

I realized, that all the array of pseudo-males I had before were looking for a mommy they could also fuck. Well, since Mr. Csernus (hungarian psichyatrist) we know how sick is that and how those relationships end (underline this word).

A relationship doesn’t need to be a never ending soap opera, playing the 2583. episode.

So how to not waste your time and spot Mr. Wrong on the dot?

Listen to him.

First thing.

Is he making you uncomfortable or bad about yourself?

(Let’s pretend we are all driving around a healthy self esteem, so a simple compliment would not sound as an attack on our integrity)

If yes, just walk, if you can, run, otherwise he’ll catch up.

Mr. Passive-Agressive I-need-to-boost-my-selfesteem-by-bashing-you-down

So comments like ‘Sure, you’re pretty, but beauty doesn’t last, what will you have to offer once it’s gone…’
Or ‘I though you get a better education in this corner of the universe…’ ‘Oh, insert your job, is quite interesting, but there’s plenty of it, what makes you stand out?’ – Are you feeling it?
That belittling sarcasm going on, as if you are talking to an enemy, or as if on a cruel job interview. That is never a good beginning and continue is a one-way ticket to permanent psychological damage.

You think he doesn’t know? Oh he does way too well.

Calling on a girl, who had acne problems all her life over a single spot, making her feel miserable sounds like not knowing? (We are further into a relationship here)
Picking on a size XS athlete for having a cm of rather skin, than fat on her inner thighs. (Or on any size girls for any fat, she feels or not comfy with, so here you go, even us skinnies get it)

Mr. I-so-want-family-and-children

But, cannot commit/keep his dick in his pants/clean his dishes/earn his money/pay attention to anything other than play station/never moved out of mom’s, etc.

Mr. Me-moi-myself-yo-and-I

Really? Are you Russel Brand or what? I bet you believe you’re just that witty, and if so please take a microphone and make living out of it and choose another topic for date night.

Mr. All-my-exs-were-evil-bitches

So what will you be when it’s over?

Listen to the way he behaves.

That is, observe. Just lay back and observe, don’t be judgemental upfront, give him a chance, but do observe and don’t let yourself blindfolded by the picture perfect sweetness he’s telling.

So, if he’s…

Mr. Self-titled Supercaring

Engeneer or so with a high pitch job and pretty flat, no family, kids or disabled turtle to maintain, then, you bet, he can fucking pay that pineapple juice you’re taking. Why? Cuz, yes, we love it old fashioned, especially if he is obviosly looking for pussy the very same night.

Mr. Oh-my-friends-dont-care-about-me

Who never answers the phone, or doesn’t stick to his promises…

Mr. Im-such-a-great-person

Who can’t stop bragging about how he helps everyone including the starving children of Africa, but never seems to help anyone, just when you are around, not even you with the grocery…

Mr. I-want-to-take-it-easy

Already unzipping your jeans, while saying this…

Mr. I-ignore-your-intelligence-and-act-as-if-you-are-not-talking

That.

Mr. The-world-is-out-to-get-me aka Mr. Unlucky

Pity party. Non-stop.

Etc.

Listen to your insticts.

Don’t listen to your girlfriends/mother/aunt/sister pushing you in, it’s not their boyfriend to be!

Your Mom thinks, great match, cuz he’s a doctor/engeneer/rocket scientist and has money? Well, if he’s reluctant to drop a dime on dinner with you while buying his flights to Jamaica, complaining about how expensive it is to you, who is currently unemployed, may not be that much of a great match.

Something is just off, but oh he seems so decent…

Do you really want to find out what is off?

Lack of sexuality, some kind of a paraphilia, mental disorder, impotence… and all of these untreated… Imagine, pulling this guys pants down only to see some gruesome STD on the night, well, this is the same, just not with a necesserally physical problem.

Only people with the greatest need to see one, avoid psychologist or the topic of seeing one.

One of my exs told me to go and see one, around the end of our relationship, because he thought I had a sick way of sticking to him (that thing called marriage). In two sessions I got to realize how life will so continue, if I leave him, and I did, and my life continued and started to be just great like two months after the final break up.
On the other hand, he himself, would have never gone, with a past of serious childhood abuse and after hearing my results, asked me, where she studied and bashed down Hungarian universities and psychology in general… Obviously a highly educated man, willing to see outsite his own litterbox…

Here you have Mr. Wrong sorted.

‘So Mr. Right where are you???? Because I soooo deserve you, dammit. Karma you bitch you fucked me over, I’m 33 and still don’t have the guy!!!’

But Mr. Right is looking for Miss. Right. So if you, yourself, as a lady fall into the upper categories, don’t be surprised, that you are not getting any.

Also.

Miss I-need-all-the-attention-at-any-price

Having lunch with other people and a guy and out of context drops comments like ‘Oh, I love, when it hurts, because that is the only thing I can actually feel’ just won’t make you look interesting at all, rather someone with some mental issues…at age 15.

Miss Sweet-as-a-teletubby

There is a big difference being cute voiced in an established relationship, in private or in the middle of a restaurant on the second date. So save sugarcoveredcherrytoppedhoneybunny for later.

Miss I-was-but-everyone-was-against-me

I was the best dancer of the company, I was the best aerialist, I was the best climber, but the world wanted to destroy me and insert other excuses…

Ehem, so why there is no proof of any of these claims?

Miss I-am-such-an-artist

Calling yourself an artist and doing strange shit won’t make you an artist, it’s cute when you’re 5, but in your 30’s, well…

Miss I-need-to-proove-I-am-the-best-wife-material

Don’t be desperate. No need to proove anything. Be yourself. No need to bake him a cake every day, either to shine your deepthroat skill on the first night sleeping at his place.

Miss I-am-so-independent

But I constantly seek my friends to invite me, feed me, care for me, get me jobs, and in general others to do shit for me…. ehem, INdependent you are honey… because guys observe too, you know.