Performer stories vol. 1.

I decided to share my experiences as a performer, so with every performer story entry I will share two stories with you, a bad and a good or maybe just an interesting one.

I think it is important to see the two-sidedness of the industry and understand, that it is really not about you, when you think it is.

Bad story

Me and the major theater

This topic surfaced the other day in my kitchen between me and the Baby daddy.

I was suggesting that it might be a good idea contacting the theater for a possible contract after the baby, because they did contemplate having me as a regular piece of the show back in 2013, but the whole dealing just did not end right. He got pretty outraged and asked me why on earth I would wanna be in a shitty show, that nobody goes to watch, with all my international fame and feathers. That I would be lowering too much with it, etc., etc. Baby daddy does love me on all levels.

My points were, things have changed, as a mother I wanna do my best and that includes the longest breastfeeding period I can possibly afford this future little man.

The story itself

I was approached to take part of the first Barcelona burlesque festival, needless to say in 2011 I was in the clouds, so happy. This, recently reopened mythical theater wants me in a line-up next to Catherine D’lish, Ursula Martinez, Jess Love and all the others, woowww.
Especially regarding the fact, that a year earlier I left Bcn very disappointed with performance as a whole. (Discrimination? Yup, hon, if you’re not catalan and hipergay or willing to sleep with whomever you need to, just bury yourself)

Festival was pretty much the best ever I attended to this day. Show was dynamic, the line-up was over the top. Even the competing newcomers showed very high skills.
(So far, the festival is a blast every year, I still recommend going to this event)

Downside, no fucking proper rigging… My ahh so prepared silks act had to be modified into an improvisation on hoop… absolutely not bad for that year though.

Straight forward 2013.

I just jumped off a plain with an aerial hoop and a suitcase, ready to take back my city! I had the first shows nailed with a producer I used to work very well, looking for contracts, decided to rent a place in the forthcoming months.

First job right in mentioned theater. Great! Now they installed a truss, 9 meter high rigging point, supersweet!!

First technical check.

The owner walks in. We met briefly, but I never thought she remembered me or anything (my humble side).
Straight to me, she was very happy to see me back, was I staying for longer. I told her I was moving back.

Booom! How would I feel about a steady contract, all legal, insured, etc, 7 shows a week, would I be cool to learn some coreographies in the show etc. I should come down and see the most recent show, invited.
Anyways, office gets the papers done will call in 2ish weeks.

I literally left the place with tears of joy in my eyes…

Just to get them turned into real ones in about 2 months.

Nothing is done until it is done. – never forget that. Don’t get too excited.

So, a girl from the office was to call me. I had this funky feeling about her from the beginning… (hush, don’t listen to your instict, she must be lovely, blabla – said my conscious mind… while the unconscious said, trouble ahead)

3 weeks pass.

Nothing.

I kept doing the parties, so I was all around the theater every other week. Nothing.

I got my ‘manager’ (*khm* – best friend and occasional assistant) to call, erh-umph excuses, they would be in touch…

Another one or two weeks pass.

You see, at this point I was a full-time performer (like always as not for pregnancy), so I needed to schedule my shit in order to do anything.
So on a last attempt I dragged my ass up to the office to clear this up.

There was ‘my gal’ and it breaks down to the fact, that the owner never said, what she said, the offer was rather to have me a couple of times, if needed (wtf???) for certain events. The festival? Most likely yes, but they would contact me anyways…

Yuppi fucking yaaay!!! and thanks for making me loose about 2 months with excitement about nothing.

Life goes on, story does not end still. If you were to think that was not humiliating enough, you were wrong.

So the festival approaches, the way I actually get to know I was not in it? You bet. The promo video comes out.

Classy…

Then the Festival is on. I GET A CALL. omg, with suspicion… I hoped it was not the dragging around for nothing again….

They want me to go in for a rehearsal, the coreorgrapher needs to see me and try me.

Now this sounded more professional.

I’m there, the ‘world famous’ coreographer 3 meters in front of me, his assistant running up and down, every communication going through 4 different people’s mouth (I am not exagerrating here!!).

Nothing. Could I come back tomorrow, the corepgrapher is way too stressed to deal with anything else, than the rehearsals… Sorry for dragging you around so much.

Evening, invited to the show. I went alone, going to say hi to my gal, I see her talking to the one single ‘performer’ I would never share the air with.

And

Kabammm!!!

She was there for the very same reason!! Apparently the coreographer (remember so ‘world famous’ that he could not communicate only via 4 messengers?) would choose, based upon ‘PROFESSIONAL’ measures… (like skills, dance skills, you know, maybe a casting????)

Nooo!!!

No casting nothing. The decision was already made.

She took the deal for a 100 euros a night, that is 25 euros per number, two weeks contract.

I never got to be offered a price, and believe me I was not about to accept this.

She won. I lost.

The news were full of how the theater was on the verge of bankcrupcy. Now I could see. I met the dancers, that left that time, half of them, after 3 months without being payed.

The theater survived, I did two more gigs there, than I never returned.

Loosing against a better competitor is something you can take, inspires betterment.

Loosing against a joke of a ‘performer’ is simply soul draining.

Strange detail as well, while on the verge of bankcrupcy, they did get to hire Bambury Cross, and I do doubt she was to be anything cheap. (getting her from London, renting a place, etc.)

Bottom line, you cannot be a prophet in your home country or pseudo-home country either.

And now:

Good story

Turkey

A.k.a Wonderland.

Story begans in 2010.

The resraurant was called Joke Circus.

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Do you remember myspace? I do.

So one day, shortly before the 2010 LBF, I get a message written in the shittiest English ever, the kinda you wouldn’t even answer so bad. Let along through myspace.

It is a Turkish dude interested in hiring me, Chaz recommended me. Scattered, language barrier, not even the dates were very fixed… Altogether, something you would never take seriously, but I thought harm it cannot do to answer anyways.

It was for Istambul (superexciting!) for a brand new place. So, I decided if they agree to pay the trip upfront, then my, at the time maybe escalated (I thought, while I was still underpricing myself) fee, I was good to go.

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It took up until almost last minute to close the deal, I was to go almost straight after LBF, since I was already confirmed to appear there, it was the Icelandic vulcano year, so shit got pretty complicated all the way.

At the closing night of LBF, I remember Velma asking for my availability the next weeks and me being sorry for being booked right after… we either suspected that we were to meet withing the next week at the other far end of Europe 😃.

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LBF, with all issues, shenanigans, travel problems, etc., went off. Some major housing drama back home. Limbo between Budapest and Bcn started. Drama with icing on top.

(Additional relationship advice: you know these partners, with whom everything turns into major drama? Yup, ex-hubby was one of them, get the fuck away from these people, when it starts, without further waiting, because it will only get worse)

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So by the time I was to catch the flight to Istambul, I couldn’t even think of being worried about the what ifs. The proper Turkish airline flight with food and all was so soothing, after days of saving my stuff out of my own former (and actual) home and literally being homeless for days, that I could just not expect anything.

I arrive, I get picked up by a shoffeur, cool, excitement setting in.

It could be the best and the worst experience, anyways, two weeks in the exciting land of where my actual not artistic name comes from.

I arrive, cute little 4 starry hotel…

I get the suit!!!! WTF? Great. Relax. Unpack. Stretch. I was to be picked up every evening for performance, soon to meet Anji and Mert. (the dude with funky english)

I think we had technical check in the afternoon. The restaurant was lavish, luxurious, I swear each fork was to be over 4000 euros of worth. I guess in the west we miss some point about luxury… and hospitality.

Do I know Velma? She is here too. That was the beginning of a friendship.

I was also introduced to the other restaurant, where our daily lunch was to take place… on the top floor of a shopping mall, if can imagine delicious turkish food! I asked for the daily turkish meal every day.

I repeat, the west has serious things to learn about hospitality from the Turkish.

I enjoyed every bit of my stay, the sushine, the city,the food, all of it!

My mom came for visit too, hotel and food payed for her, too.

What else can you ask for?

I was more than lucky, yet it took me years to realize the importance of all this. To have this all sink in. The luck. The blind luck I had.

I also realized I could have asked for the double of the fee I was asking… beginner, I thought… (yet, I was very well payed)

Secong chapter was Cyprus last year.

Altogether.

Dream job.

Fin.

The difference between what there is and what we perceive

My titbit.

I was deeply depressed at the time of the Turkish contract, constantly being paranoid about my artistry.

I was a very insecure performer, especially as a circus act. They had 3 Mongolian contorsionists, and a Ukranian multiskilled yougster fresh out of circus school. Needless to say, I felt like shit.

What was I doing there? I was obviously below the level… I thought.

The fact that everyone had a longer contract also confirmed my feelings…

Yet, 4 years later I was called, because I was a great act and they did love me back in 2010.

So don’t beat up yourself, you might as well be a lot better than you think you are.

^.-

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The zero waste experience, how society makes you feel batshit crazy

Apparently among all the bio, eco, healthy, crossfit, zumba, fitness trends society still works the very same way…

Driven by sheer ignorance and self-contentness.

So, I pose the questions…

Bitch!

You really think that by being a vegewhatsotarian you are doing shit to save the world? Whereas you double bag even the garbage?

Donating to a huge corporation helps the planet? And you are all done and can tap your back happily?

Yes, I am somewhat pissed.

I talk for Spain, because thereis, where I live.

Before you think, oh yes, so easy for you… nope it is not.

I am a pregnant girl juggling a fragile weekly budget of food, so it’s not like I can spend hundreds of Euros a week on bio shit in the poshiest bio store in Gracia.

Zero wasting is a new concept for most.

When you talk about it, each and every body poses as someone, who is well informed, explain how they recycle, etc.

Lovely, but it is a lie.

Posing.

Sadly, not too many have read about this, let alone do anything about it.

Yup, I recycle… sometimes… like once a year?

Back at the beginning of the year, I had it clear. (after two years of paleo already)

I want clean eating for my family, not necessarily die-hard paleo, but fresh unprocessed, sugarfree, as for me lactose free, lot less gluten, etc.

Then I wondered, what about cosmetics?

I turned my shampoo around and was like WFT?

Will my baby need all that shit on his skin?

Then soon the recycling thought was sinking in.

I was always pro-recycling. My dad is one of these crazy dudes washing the yogurt cups to recycle and having monthly trips to the nearest recycling park to drop the more special pieces, if any.

He has his own grocery garden, he composts for about 30 years, which as a little girl I found pretty gross.

So yep, jump down my throat and tell me how recycling is a monopolized industry etc. Owned by the goevernment, whatever, but!

Do you know anything better?

Yes.

Generating less or no waste.

But the people with this argument are not the ones doing it. I get this argument from people throwing everything in the landfill. And I’m harsh, because Baby daddy came up with this argument.

Until we had flatmates, making the concept into action was quite impossible.

We had two triple bagging die-hard vegetarians (one of them ate meat once a week, so her standpoint was pretty questionable, if not phoney) that even cleaned their potatoes with dishwashing liquid before desinfecting them… and never ever considered recycling as a serious thing.

2-3 bags of landfill a week. Maybe a tiny recycling, like water bottles, that nobody else but me bothered to take down…

Then we ended up, being us, Jordi and me and baby to come.

Life changed!!!

As for common costs.

No 5 rolls of paper cleaning wipes per week, not a huge pack of toilet paper used either, no unnecessary cleaning products by the loads.

And this…

So, I am a happy owner of some very useful recycled textile baggies for groceries, first thing I did.

Smaller ones serves you better.

I have gotten to reduce our garbage making more than considerably.

Instead of 3+ landfill bags a weeks, I take out a small bag (3kg-ish) of pure compostable every second-third day (and am devastated how Barcelona has the brown containers literally empty – as you see recycling is not obligatory here)

and the recycling bags are one or two in one two months, as of plastic and paper, maybe one jar a month as for cristal.

Without additional people in the household it got a lot easier, for sure.

I still struggle with limited material sources, with a baby on the way you think twice about buying anything for any other reason.

Titbits

The donut and the croissant

Yes, the cravings. As cheatmeal as it gets. I eat 2-3 a week, butter croissant and sugarcovered donut, all fresh from the bakery.

Now those are greasy! So textile baggies? Nope. (while great for an occasional bread).

Right now I use recycled paper bags, I guess later I will get those is smaller tuppers, like little sandwich boxes.

Cosmetics

I guess stopping to use cosmetics in excess is the key.

We use bio soap bars, aleppo soaps. It is already a great step, a tiny cellophane pack vs. The plastic bottle of shower gels.

My multiuse, skin/haircare product is coconut oil. Sometimes aloe vera for skin. (The leaf cut in half)

Coconut oil does miracles to pink hair.

We, finally use ayurvedic toothpaste, I’m about to get our first compostable toothbrushes. So with the toothpaste I do generate recycling garbage, but I had an epic fail on doing home made, grapefruit oil flavoured was no good. Will try again.

Excess water

Also bio dishwasher for now. I still need to try home made natural recipes. (the washnut brew seems like an option to try)

So, stop dishwashing in flow water, tap opened to max. Foan the things and then rinse. Tadaa!

Detergent

I cannot believe I had not discover washnuts before!!

For now, all baby related stuff and our underwear will be washed with washnuts and a drip of essenctial oil for scent.

Jordi’s supermegahiperdirty work clothing with cheap detergent. (jabon de marsella), which comes in a paper box.

(I can’t even remember when and why I started to use liquid detergent, I mean it is just stupidly unnecessary garbage once again, so I switched back now)

Special foodies

Rice oat and coconut milk are obviously not sold by the litre anywhere. Rice cream either. (I am lactose, or whatever milk ingredient intolerant – massive allergy testing is expensive if you were to ask, especially to find out, what I already know)

Protein powders. (I take none while pregnant)

Hemp seed (although I think I just found a place to buy by weight) or other superfoods that requires to be ordered online. I am saving up for bigger buys of all these.

Quality or packaging?

So good honey in a jar or shit honey by the weight in an overpriced hipster store?

Fair trade chocolate or chocolate by the weight?

Facing ignorance

Bafff. The hardest of it all.

People. Are. Idiots. Just jump back to the beginning of my post.

Start doing this and you will trip on the general stupidity around.

Menos basura en Barcelona – diario de mi camino

Hola Chic@s!

Es mi primer post en castellano, asi que ya de entrada siento los fallos ortograficos, resulta que no soy Espanola, pero hago mi mejor.

Estoy segura, que ya habéis leido algun articulo sobre esa nuevayorkina o la familia de zero waste home si habéis acabado aqui…

Mi pensamiento de digamos “Salvar el mundo” me llego algo antes de leer esos articulos y luego hice mi busqueda sobre el asunto.

Ya, en mis otros posts se queda claro q soy una chica dedicada al alimentacion sana, el ejercico y el arte.

Juntar varios estilos de vida en una no es fácil.

Ser artista de circo requiere tu todo.

Ser madre también.

La alimentacion paleo requeriria un cocinero personal ya para empezar al menos.

Generar zero basura, hasta a mi me parece un trabajo de jornada entera sin rollos raros en tu alimentacion…

Llevo desde febrero con el asunto menos basura y aqui comparto mis observaciones.

Zerowastehome.com es genial, pero los consejos no nos sirven de nada, aqui al otro lado del mundo.

No digo que vaya a llegar a esas alturas, pero al menos eliminar el plastico y el exceso de basura de mi vida llegare fijo y ensenar todo eso a mi futuro hijo también.

Cambiar de golpe

Es loque le quita las ganas de vivir a todo el mundo. Me paso con el paleo, y me esta pasando con el masaje perineal (algo que parece simple, pero es hipernefasto al principio) y bueno con mil cosas, empezar circo etc.

Para empezar de golpe necesitas estar forradissimo, vamos. Cambiar todo que tengas de plastico a vidrio, las cosmeticas, encontrar embalajes eco y tiendas a granel. Es dificil y carissimo y consume mucho tiempo.

Asi que mejor comparto mis primeros pasos y loque viene. Tengais en mente que hablo de un punto de vista ya de comida rara…

Primeros pasos

Para elegir tu trayecto sigo recommendando mirar Zero Waste Home, tienen unos consejos geniales.

Yo decidí en coger loque me venia más facil, coso, y tengo telas de sobras, asi que decidí en reciclar un trozo de tela sin uso para fabricar mis bolsas de verduras y cosas secas.

Me parece muy guay comprar todos los acessorios, pero sigue siendo algo hypocrita, asi que, tienes camisetas viejas? Tijeras? Maquina o una amiga con maquina? Incluso se puede coser a mano.

Y aqui lo lanzo, si me contactas, y traes una camiseta vieja te coso las bolsitas de tela, gratis!

Total, vuelta al hypocritismo, porfa no cogas y tires todos tu tuppers a la basura, si decides poco a poco deshacer de ellos yo recommiendo darlos a tus amigos.

Aparte, mira, tuppers de vidrio son geniales, pero!! Pesan un huevo! Te lo vas a pensar varias veces a llevar dos tres al mercado… asi que quedar con aguno de plastico no es mala idea.

Cambiar donde compras

Siguiente paso.

Vas al super?

Mal. Basicamente todo viene embalado. Y con varias tapas.

Ya empezamos a lanzar mas dinero en tus compras de dia a dia con eso.

Ahora vas a empezar ir a la fruteria, a la carniceria y buscar tiendas a granel.

Como voy yo?

Tengo 5-6 bolsas rosas de verduras y cosas secas. Y generalmente me llevo un tupper, aun de plastico, para carne o pescado o olivas a granel.

Ya en mi bolso de siempre tengo un vasito de plastico grueso (que esperare cambiar a un termos metalico proximamente), dos bolsas pequenas de tela y el maravilloso papelcito recyclado para el donut casual recubierto de azucar de varias formas.

Donde nos lleva eso?

Compras

Te tienes q preparar para tus compras.

Carrito

Bolsa grande (q tal de tela?) – La hypocrecia del mundo mundial, me encantan ver esas senora doblebolsando cada tomate, que no vaya ser que se ensucie algo!! Y al final metiendo en su bolso comprado de tal tienda. Recontentas, que hacen un bien para el mundo. (O sea te has cogido 6-8 bolsas q acabaran en la basura nada más llegando a casa, pero has evitado gastar 5 centimos en una, que segun que tiendas es la unica compostable. BIENN!!!)

Bolsas pequenas – unos 5-6 de dos tamanos es mi pack basico.

1 o 2 tuppers medianos por si acaso

Algun papel o bolsa de papel q acabas de recyclar de tu ultima compra en la panaderia para cosas grasientas. Creeme puedes usarlo varias veces, eso si, te miraran raro.

Jarras q reciclaste de miel o de loque sea – aqui hay peso, asi que eso me lo llevaria cuando se loque voy a comprar.

Cambio de chip

Es el más dificil.

Tienes amigos vegetarianos? Entonces conoces la historia de su vida, como el mundo mundial les trata como raros y les critica a saco nada más teniendo un tos, que seguro que es porque comen mal etc.

Son locos, dice y piensa la gente “normal”.

Y!!!

Cambiarte a un estilo de vida para generar menos basura te va a convertir en el loco del barrio, asi que preparate! Seras el “crazy cat lady” de todos lados donde vayas.

Tendras 25 miradas malas, esas de “porque no te mueres atropellado de un camion, zorra” y tal vez, tal vez, una media sonrisa de “oh, que guay, todos debemos hacer esto”.

Tendras que tener mil ojos porque el momento que busques un centimo en tu monedero la mala cajera ya estara metiendo todo en varias bolsas de plastico, lo que da más raro, porque a los demás no se lo hace.

Prepara para tus gritos desesperados, de “Nooooo! No quiero bolsa!” basicamente en cada caja.

Poner tu tupper encima del contador no es suficiente, te tienes que especificar.

“300 g de carne picada en el TUPPER, por favor!”

” Sin bolsa, por favor” – porque de buenos, ya quieren poner tu tupper en una bolsa de plastico, para rematar la situacion.

“Una berlina (catalanismo de nuestra panaderia, a.k.a. joyeria, que incluso le pone mal a Jordi), por favor, en este bolsa de papel!” – aqui ya no basta poner la cosa delante ni la 1500a vez, y el dia que descuidas, zasss llevas basura a casa!

Donde no querras ir

Yo pensaba, donde se compra a peso, se compra a peso.

Pues me equivoque!

Pescaderia del caprabo, o el sitio magico de triplebolsarlo todo y menospreciar el cliente. ( y si! mande una queja a caprabo)

Os pego mi post del instagram mismo, eso explica toda mi indignacion.

“#caprabo acaba de perder una clienta. Porque? Porque llegamos a un punto tan increiblemente poco ecologico e consciente, q aunque lleves tu tupper para comprar algo al peso, en este caso pescado fresco y encima expliques q se trata de GENERAR MENOS BASURA, te cogan y pongan tu tupper en plastico y todo en una bolsa mas de plastico porque es obligatorio!? Perdoname!? Ya no os valen los tickets q ni con mis mejores esfuerzos puedo evitar? Tenia ganas de dejar el pescado, pero respeto el trabajo de la persona frente mia. Gracias, pero no volvere. #pococontenta #pocoecologico ”
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Se me olvido mencionar, que eso por evitar robos… inplicacion, que una mujer embarazada se va con su tupper para robar pescado crudo?

Muy probable.

Por eso olvidad los supermercados.

Por el momento me quedo con Lidl para ciertas cosas, porque no tienen ese necesidad de menospreciar a la gente como otras cadenas y imaginatelo no les parece horrible y contra su politica llevar tus bolsas.

Cuando no hay remedio

Hay cosas, que no puedes evitar pero tienes que comprar en algun tipo de envultorio.

Pues esas cosas las compras en el tamano maximo que puedas encontrar.

Amazon y ebay son tus amigos.

Basura de preferencia

Plastico o papel?

Lata o esa media hora extra de hacer tu propio salsa de tomate?

Cosas asi…

Loque no se evita se recicla y si tu discurso es que el reciclaje es una industria monopolizada por el malvado estado, pues ya lo sé. Y la rebeldia contra eso es llenar el mundo de basura y asegurar que cada dia se extingua otra especie?

Yo no creo.

Todo es mentira

Ya. Si lo piensas si lo es, no tienes jardin no puedes compostar, pero puedes al menos dejarlo en el contenedor marron.

Tengo esa discusion con Jordi, que si vale o no la pena comprar bolsas de basura compostables.
Yo creo, que si, porque no controlas donde va el plastico, Ok te dicen que se quita y recicla. O no. Tu no estas alli para verlo. Mi opinion.

Estamos mirando para hacer una compostadora, reciclada casera.

Mientras tanto mira algo asi:

Cafeteria de gusanos 😃

Worm cafe

Oye, y te limpias el culo con hojas de arbol?

Papel reciclado, Renova sale genial de precio en Carrefour.

To be continued…

We are professionals

Never let yourself cornered by the “we are professionals” flagline.

I guess this happens during the first years of a performers life, when people want to push your prices down because you are new, not “good enough”, not skilled enough, not cirque du soleil enough, but mostly just not confident enough.

But let’s face it we will never be good enough…

Without self-esteem, self-respect and integrity, we go nowhere. (not only in performance art, but in life either)

My experience came on many levels, I was, and maybe still am sometimes (fucking saa-a-aad) the idiot to take advantage of.

Nevertheless, on the professional level, is where I could face and cut this problem the best.

Whatever and whenever I started I faced and am facing this problem.

Advices like and comments like:

“….you’re new you should set your prices below the other dressmakers around here to set up a costumer base…”

“…you say you’re an established performer, although we have never heard of you, but XY was on the cover of… magazine”

“…we get established British pop stars for less and you should consider this as a vacation…”

“…you still have a lot to learn… hoooney…”

“…you’re not much of a big deal…”

“… I don’t think you’ll ever create something truly original…”

Etc.

Not made up, all said to me.

So woahhh, where does all this disrespect come from? What is wrong with people?

Be clear. People saying any of these, are the ones just a wee too eager to cover their own lack of the professsionelle…

Let say, you do two weeks of aerial training and then apply to whatever famous company. Well, I really doubt that a truly busy and succesful company would have the time or the energy to personally go out their way of creation and shame and humiliate you for the sake of it…

Surely artists lifes are hard, filled with disappointment and rejection. (and art, beauty, inspiration, creation, magic, sparkle, glitter, sunshine etc. To avoid being all tragic)

The fellow

The owner of the best and worst advice. Here you need to carefully choose whose advice you ask from and derived from there whose advice you take, as there are jealousies going a lot farther than you think.

Better take advice from your elders (not necessarily by age), rather than fellow beginners. Fellow beginners might have all the good will, but just not enough knowledge and experience.

The “boss”-es

“Yeah, but how about 80 euros for 5 aerial numbers a night? I mean our dancers only get 50 euros…” – Good for them…

“So you could actually make the costumes as well, that way you could earn a little extra (dinerito)…” – before or after rehearsing 10-12 hours a day?
The next time anyone says “dinerito” heads will roll for sure in Melittalandia.

The never to be costumer

So why inquire for a quote, if you are unwilling to pay anything over the price of a double cheese burger and are from the other far end of the globe?

The producer with no idea

“Can you do an hour long aerial act?” – Sure no problem….

” I would like to hire your burlesque act for my children’s party…” – I made this up, but I guess you get it.

Family and (not so) romantic partners

Unsupportive family is one thing, but a romantic partner, who does not support or respect your art is just devastating.

“… I don’t think you’ll ever create something truly original…” – this comment marked the beginning of the end of a marriage… with other things, but this burned deep into my skin.

All those thinking they know better what fits you

They think this or that music, style would fit you, etc. Unrequested, but thank yoy.

Go and find your own style.

Integrity

Wikipedia

So tell me, which is better, telling the truth by saying you never got payed for that job, which was also a disaster on all levels (hearing “Oh babe, how negative…” from the background), or telling everyone how all was fine and dandy and a lovely experience (just because you were on all fliers and admitting that this “peak” of your career was plain bullshit?)
Who is the professional here? Who has integrity?

Have morals and ethics.

Self-respect

If it feels wrong, humiliating, cheap, abusive, most likely it is. Get out of there. Now, on the first quirky comment that pushes your buttons or at latest the second, because there will be a third, a millionth of it. Then deeds. Then regrets, of you not leaving earlier and wasting time.

Listen to your gutt. Respect yourself.

Self-esteem

You need it, desperately, we all do.

Look in the mirror and see who you are as an artist, better to overvalue yourself than to undervalue.

Final conclusion

So be careful, screaming professional does not always mean being professional.

The aerial artist and the pregnancy – part 3 – Second trimester

Confessions

Feels strangely natural.

Up untiI month 6 I looked like I was in my 3rd-4th month.
I have the smallest belly ever, but an exceptionally healthy pregnancy (for all you paleo naysayers)

From the first time you note the babymovement to the last weeks of the trimester it gets cooler and cooler, now I know if its his hands or head and he responds to movement and calling.

On the meanwhile I get heavier in the evening, I start to sleep a lot again and being sleepy and tired just because.

Baby’s movements are getting stronger every day. He is very active.

Training

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Well, month two-four was a mess, no strength, no training whatsoever.

So, what you need to know, the nauseas don’t disappear from evening to next morning, when month 4 (salvation) sets in…Month 4 was regaining some of my strength, one day in, one day out of nausea, and around the end the nauseas were finally absent.

I could start training.

It took me long to find, what to do. Pregnant workouts are too meek for us, doing your training is too much and too risky, so after strolling the internet for answers and coming up with not much, I decided to seek professional help.

So if you are an aerial artist, get to an aerial trainer, who has qualified to teach pregnant woman too. I give you the Barcelona answer, Bea Contreras. Great teacher in general for what I see, and for us pregnant here, she is the salvation. The exercises are great to keep your core muscles and aerial fitness. Surely this is not the show offey training you would do, you look more like a spider on the wall, waiting to not be noticed. 😀

I give you some hints, no jumping, no power whatsoevers, absolutely no situps, nothing that feels uncomfortable, and nothing that contracts your abs too much.

Lot of static core exercises.

I still have two more weeks to invert. Here note: I invert once or twice a class, very controlled and slow inverts with slow descents. Obviously, you need to be a skilled aerialist to do this already without pregnancy l. I mainly do it to calm my nerves with the fact that I still can. It is getting harder and I think by the time I shouldn’t I either will be able. (third trimester)

Good news, these core exercise trainings can go until you give birth, if you can..

Abs

It’s not that you loose then, it’s that you cannot use them. Because they hurt! Or at least feel very uncomfortable.

So now I look like a tiny bag of potatoes, when I roll out of bed. Turning to side, helping with my arms. I had to say goodbye to my general power sit up jump out of bed ‘routine’. Once again, I could, but I shouldn’t.

We are also backing up on abs as a whole on training.

My midwife told me it is already time to back up to mild stretching only, because I am too muscular and for a natural birth I need to have as relaxed abs as it can be.

I take her advice and am gradually taking back. Week 28, no inverts any more, either abs.

It is a dilemma to back off all the way or not… The inner aerialists panics in me, while the mom wants the best for the baby. I take a middle path by my personal logic and knowledge of my body.

Sleep

Month 5. Put a pillow below the side of your belly… Really. My nights were somwhat sleepless until I figured this.

Food

We are very healthy, so my midwife said, eat whatever you are eating to be this healthy, so I do.

Honestly, it is not black magic to eat well. You have google, in this we are friends, unlike in negative advice… Look for recipes, variations.

Most importantly.

Eat fresh!!!

Forget the supermarket! Do your groceries at the freshest places possible. Meat shop, veggie and fruit shop. If you can, find the ones that have the freshest products.

Right now I am very happy with casa Ametller, the veggies are delicious, and you have the 24 or 12 hour stickers. Superfresh. Also great goat and sheep yogurts on a good price.

Eat colorful! Eat varied!

Tadamm, that is all.

I cheat more than general nowadays. (I have a serious croissant craving going on)

I was never good digesting raw stuff, so I keep my raw eatings to fruits mostly, I oven, cook and steam veggies.

Titbits and thoughts

It runs through my head how I had this conversation with a friend about not wanting children and wanting to travel and see the world and how that changed all of a sudden…

Never tell wanna be cloth diapering moms they cannot or it’s a crazy idea, least use the term, “You’ll see how you end up using normal diapers….”

“Normal diapers” are not fucking normal!!! I understand how babies can have super diarrheas, that for travel it might not be the best idea, etc. But going straight to the notorious ” Honey you’ll see…”

Honey, you’ll see how in the real world you will not get a job with that pink hair/amount of visible tattoos…

You’ll see, there’s no way to become a circus artist if you were not born into circus, or were not a gymnast…

I hate the”you’ll see…”-s

Meaning.

You’ll see how you will fail, but I won’t.

Now you’ll see!

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The problem with the alpha-femaleness

Lately there are just way too many blogs and articles popping up getting into how fearless, kick-ass, empowered, alpha, rocking, self-sufficient, etc women are, or should be.

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I find it problematic, moreover confusing.

If I was to be one of the above do I need any article carassing my ever so healthy self esteem?

Giving me a list of my ‘longcomings’ (yes, I just made this word up) and brilliance? (point 1-5. Check! awww, shit 6. Ain’t me, urghh better make it then??WTF?)

Let’s take this clear and face forward. Belonging or not to any of the above, not so defined cathegories.

We all want to belong there.

Why?

What 21st century woman wants to be any of the opposite?

We have the bar set up pretty high, and with it we, women, once again got to score a goal against ourselves.

We gather in little hordes of girlfriends, mostly single, desperate and insecure to the bone, to fuel that little self esteem we hide to face the big bad world all alone…

So what we really have is loads of half-way successful (mostly never succesful enough by default) little girls trying to fill that big girl pants society and/or family and/or partners (oh yes, love, yes) entitled them to wear.

In result, we are a generation raised by seriously dameged goods as parents.

I see our parents as grown old children, who only saw the aim of growing up to being able to pay all the damage done by the authority of society and family upon them straight back to the next generation. (This is a simplified take)

They flew from under the wings of their parents straight into marriage and parenthood without ever facing their shortcomings, and there they started to pay it all ‘back’.

Do you still get relationship advice, if not straight obligations from your mom, who have not had a sexual relationship for years, not even with your father, who she lives with?

Career advice from your life-long stay at home mom?

Advice from dad to tone down the boogie in your feet and be calm, stay at home do nothing at age 16-20?

And examples can go on forever.

They are damaged goods raising another generation of damaged goods.

We need to break the cycle.

Become who and whatever we actually are. Not only superhero, self-sufficient, lady crossfit wonder woman types.

I would be lying to say I do not consider myself a strong woman, but I did a serious internship with life, my own life! Not, what mom and dad wanted or my boyfriend or my husband, or society or what other else outer force.

I learned, the hard way, I was damaged goods, doing all the fuckups damaged goods do.

Was I superladywonderwoman when I was married to a full blown psychological abuser (shadow man, as coined here: http://kellymarceau.com/sexy-conscious-awake-women-shed-light-on-unconscious-shadow-men/)?

No way, but I had shit to put in place in my head and I did.

Now it is over, not over yesterday, but over years ago, and I still am cautious about what I go around advising others in a similar situation.

What I see now is little girls fiddling in their enormous big girl pants, reparting life advice like candy without the leastest of ideas.

And I, need to admit, am one of the causes. I self-trained many of these girls, suprised by people’s abilities of twisting shit around, let that be example or advice.

And now, car crash.

I did spent hours helping a friend set up her local performer prices, just to see her 6 months later doing low end gigs for 25 euros a night at a place, that is only taking her to a mental institution.

I set another friend in the direction of aerial arts just to listen to her talking to a cirque the soleil aerialist, selling herself as the most professional aerialist, while she haven’t touched an apparatus in a year.

I was a personal psychologist, big sister, half mom, flatmate and whatnot to another friend, just to be asked to carry suitcases in my 4th month of pregnancy, not being able to clean my ass in the toilet without her talking, complaining and self assuring, and then after all, she leaves with a days notice, leaving us flat bankrupt with the rent to be payed in 2 days. She, the one now giving relationship advices, as a good alpha female, without being able to hold up a healthy, not abusive relationship in the last 5 years… Leaving the stage all hurt and victimized, but getting onto the wild as the aplha queen of the universe, whose life is so exceptionally hard…

Whose fault is all this?

Mine!

Why?

You cannot train alpha females!!

It is not an english language course. So here comes the uselessness of all articles about how one is like or should be.

Because the real ones are a million other way… here would come the punline of and they give no smokin’ sh#t about your opinion… but not even that, they might even do, if you are someone worth listening to.

Find your own way and personality please and forget about these self assuring articles.

We are human, we all need to learn.

Xxx

One by one, the story of an act – The abandoned bride

The most well-known and if necessary to choose my “signature” act.

This act was born back somewhere around 2006-2007 as a striptease act, at that point the dress was nothing like it is now, was more like a gothic lolita striptease act. (whatdoyouknow)

I remember being very excited about the idea, when other strippers told me it was waa-aaay overused and I shouldn’t do it, cuz it won’t be cool…You bet, I did it anyway.

Music choices went evolving (from White wedding to Rob Zombie), and I found THE WEDDING DRESS in a Hungarian second hand shop (Ruhagaléria rulez!) for 40-50 euros approx back in whichever year.

By 2009 it was one important act of mine with the biggest costume I had, performed on pole.

Then came the 2010 London Burlesque Festival, which I took as an opportunity to showcase something new (a skill) and renewed (this number) and challenge myself.

I added a Bibian Blue corset to the already huge dress and a lingerie like silks dress (which I changed for a better one later) and made one huge decision.

Create an aerial silks piece…

You might have noticed that my main discipline is aerial silk, this is where it all started.

During the first year I was not inspired by this apparatus at all, I saw similar tricks and it just never got to me.

Yet, I decided to change this pole act into a silks act to vary and challenge.

Silks are harder than you would think, but 3 months later I had the initial act.

First time performed at LBF 2010.

Here is the video:

I never decided to retire this video, as I believe it was a fairly good performance for only 3 months of silks training.

There I realized something.

Silks take away my enormous fear of heights.

(on hoop I consider myself still quite limitated as of height – more on this in another post)

Needless to say, this act was a blast, is a blast, it is a great act. The public loves it, I love it, it is me inside and out. My darkness of the soul in it’s simplest form.

Clear and just enough stereotipical to be digestable to everyone, yet not too much of an only burlesque topic.

Over the years I kept doing it on pole, mostly in Barcelona and in the Palais Mascotte, and sometimes due to lack of high enough rigging on aerial hoop.

Here is another video from the 2011 Barcelona Burlesque Festival, where lacking proper rigging at the time, I had to improvise the whole on the hoop.

(I was to omit this part due to too personal, but I guess the whole artistic process is already is too personal)

Well, at that point I hated every move of mine, but looking back  it was not that terrible. Still I was so tangled up in my shitty relationship, that it took over a year and a break-up to focus and pull my ass together and train harder and better.

By 2012 summer I decided to pull my head out of my ass and also watched some of my videos (oh yes, do that!!!) to realize that instead of creating new I should clean up my skills and style.

Then came break-up and drama and just vomiting it on Facebook for a while, bitterness, blablabla.

BUT! On the meanwhile, I worked my ass off saved up money and decided to take some months off and start training hard.

So from 2012 November up until about 2013 March I was not performing, just training and figuring out what I wanted next.

In 2013 I had another break-up, now with the new circus company I was with and from one day to another I decided to move back to Barcelona, because Budapest was a dead end.

To start with I was renewing my Black Clown act, so by May, when I performed in LBF, this act was still and sadly improvised as I had no time to finish the two new choreographies…

Here you see, too improvised, off the music and crappy, and obviously the only time when I constantly tangled with the silk… (The curse of the video)

You might ask why I did not stick to the original choreography… good question, I guess I wanted to show off new tricks and did not think too much…

After seeing myself, I was terrified, I did not like what I saw at all once again.

Back to training, fixing, practicing…

Until November, when the World Burlesque Games were on… (more in another post on “competing”)

I was so ready, it was so on the music, I was feeling it so much… Crowd going crazy, etc. (If I was to see I would surely think otherwise)

I made sure a friend come to film Tish von Devil, but he could not stay for the second show, then I thought OK, surely there will be an official footage (Saw the dude filming in the middle)

Then the curse of the video worked its magic!!!

YES!!! No fucking video!!! No fucking way!!!

Then I was arranging for a proper video with big height and by the time I could have done it… I got pregnant!

Now I guess is the new time…