Well. This one is going to be pretty personal.
One needs to admit, I cover myself with all the tingly, twirly, acrobaty stuff and am terrified of doing ¨just¨ burlesque.
This is a layer of ice that I am just intending to break, finally.
It´s kinda funny how I can absolutely spend entire days in the circus, hours after hours, days after days, etc. This has been going on for the last 5 years and especially the last year, where I decided on a serious upgrade. BUT! But, I can hardly get myself to get through the burlesque choreography part of my acts, like once.
Don´t get me wrong, dance, I loooove dance, I love dance classes, ballet, jazz, contemporary, partner, even hip-hop… On an amateur level of course. And still classic burlesque has been my weak point. To make it clear, I get more nervous doing a fan dance in heels than going up 8 meters in the air. I don´t need to say it is a ridiculous thing about me, pointed out by too many, first and foremost the Ex (the Hubby). Also regarding that too many (and pretty professional) opinions proove that burlesque is really my thing.
I can tell anyone how to do a good burlesque act, coreograph, etc. I even can do a perfect burlesque in the damn kitchen using a a pair of pants instead of a boa, and still I get absolutely crazy and messed up doing a classic burlesque… or at least I feel so.
I spent time thinking about it. Why? How? Is it fear? Is it lack of talent? Is it the fear of lack of talent?
I mean I can run, so why would I be afraid of walking?
After thinking and thinking I realized that the answer is really not that easy.
To begin with it has a lot do with one`s inner self rather than learned movements.
To do classic burlesque, I believe, that you need to feel being a woman, a real bad-ass woman, in fact. You need to feel that femme fatale power in you. It took me almost 28 years to get to feel it and now I know why the back in the day beauty ideals were not 20, but 30+ because that is woman, not the 16-20 year-old, peach skinned and size o (or rather photoshopped and starved) beauty ideals of today. (That is a point I find that most critics of today`s beauty ideal get completely backwards, it really is not about the figure, but the something that lies within, in my view).
But age really is not all. It is not automatic, you are near 30 then puff! You are a woman now! No, no, no. Sadly some of us are just conditioned to achieve this woman-ness a lot harder than others. This comes from education or maybe the lack of, psychology, background, or even just an ongoing bad relationship.
In my case it was a mix of it all. I always wondered how could it happen that I was told how pretty I was and I felt all my childhood otherwise. Now I know, that this came from my overtly possessive and controlling mother, I never felt in control of anything in my childhood, how could had I felt in control of my beauty or myself? Then came the teenage years, there I felt absolutely not enough, since big boobs just seemed to be the most, and finally came the punk years, where I just stopped giving a shit about anybody´s opinion and there I started to find myself and discovering, that I was a beautiful girl.
Woww, well, all about a strippers insides… Hmm. Now, I believe that to be a good stripper, as nightclub stripper you just need an extremely easy going, or rather anything goes attitude, a lot of social skills and psychology or just, quite the contrary being plain dumb.
On the other hand, showgirlness is a completely different thing. The simple night club stripper has nothing to do with the seductress of a showgirl. A showgirl lives on stage and not on the laps of men. She is the unreachable and the untouchable, the desired perfection. And therefor, it takes years to learn to become a showgirl. You obviously need a basic set of dancing skills as well.
In my story, learning to be a showgirl was the hardest part. You see, I started stripping at age 18, a month after my birthday, I was dreaming about becoming a stripper since I was 16, I had my first stripper boots at 17 already. Then I started my journey of becoming a showgirl back in 2006 at age 20. I was very insecure, but I had a very defined style and great ideas, yet I had a lot learn to become a real showgirl.
Poling came somewhat naturally, I tried, I fell, I tried again. It was the self-esteem that was the hardest to pick up for me.
We need to face and experience failure to grow. I remember my biggest failure, I cried so hard and I cried all night that night. My friend was one of the dancers of the notorious Bailen 22, the place for the best showgirls in the town of Barcelona circa 2006, got closed down during the first months of 2007. She, with all her good will, pushed me into doing an audition, that I was not ready for. One of the worst nights in my life, but a lesson well learned. We all need to cry, we all need to experience this hard moment of failure, because it frees our minds.
My legs shaked, I could not look up, the show went to shit, and I could not do, not even the easiest pole trick. I knew I was not ready and I failed big time.
That night, drowning in my tears, alone, I decided that I won´t stop till I become one of the best.
I was still light years away from success. I started to work on my act, working at smaller clubs and cabarets, where I got less money, but more space to practice and improve, but I was all too caught up with the technique, I though once my pole work would be good all would work out, and I was wrong…
Jealousy and the your perception of it.
Don´t get jealousy let you down. I was treated like shit all the way. Everywhere, I really mixed with the wrong people for such a long time. My biggest muse, she prevented me from becoming one of the best for a long time. I considered us friends, I guess she did too, but she could never get over the fact that I improved, for her I was the girl who could just never be good enough. I really admired her with all my soul, and maaan she did shit to me and a lot… I was so looking for her approval that I completely disregarded that already everyone else approved and admired me for my work.
Until this day, I have no explanation, why? Why did she treated me like that? In fact, she is still trying to cross the line every time she intends to work with me, yet it is already clear that I am something very special, but I just feel that thing in her voice, that I will never be as good as she was or is… So, if you cross with person like that just keep going, and never think why, people are fucked up and it was her issue and I was dumb to make it mine. Hard lesson, but well learned, again.
Yes, a bad romance can just take away your self esteem forever, I`m pretty sure almost all of us goes through this, destructive, unloving or even abusive relationships. If shit is not right back home, it is not easy, if not impossible to perform well, and show a fully on woman on stage. Once I made one of the hardest decisions of my life and left my biggest of bad romances, I started, slowly and eventually, feel the woman inside of me. It is not something that can happen one day to another, but once you feel it has started you just know you are on the good track. Now, I walk by men and I can feel their eyes on me, I see the mesmerized crowd watching my show and it feels great. I really recommend flirting, it boosts the whole thing to perfection.
You need to be happy. Frustration comes through to your public. Obviously we are not bubbly happy all the time, but an inner, calm happiness in just necessary to work well on stage, at least that is what I see on my very successful peers. Things can be bad, but you, inside must feel well, disregarding all the circumstances.
You need to know that less is a lot more.
I really keep trying to fill my acts with something more, I know it is really unnecessary. You don`t need to jump a flic-flac or jump down into an middle split, just to proove you are special. Burlesque is the exact art form, where less is a lot more. I find a good classic burlesque act a lot more entertaining than the demonstration of the hardest dance combos stuffed in an act. (HaHaHa, I`m really talking against myself right now.)
Perfection lies in the detail.
What I see with many others, especially circus and pole dance-wise tricks over tricks, over tricks. Once one trick is done, you just cross it out from your list.
Really, is it that easy? Like the more tricks you do the better you become?
I`m afraid not.
I was on that track, too, I`m not denying it. In 2012 I returned to Hungary, started to take private classes of aerial silks, and I messed everything I learned until that up. I started to only care about doing the trick and forgot about the how. If you look at my first silks video and second, you`ll see a downfall in details and precision. I decide to stop that, in the circus I keep learning new things, but instead of trying the deadliest drop, in a however way, I rather work my ass off the perfection of the details.
And we see how I do applying all this on my own acts.
I`m pretty sure I will edit this post with other thoughts.