The problem with the alpha-femaleness

Lately there are just way too many blogs and articles popping up getting into how fearless, kick-ass, empowered, alpha, rocking, self-sufficient, etc women we are, or should be.

I find this very problemat, and more than problematic confusing.

If I was to be one of the above would I need any article carassing my ever so healthy self-esteem?

Giving me a list of my ‘longcomings’ (yes, I just made this word up) and brilliance? (point 1-5. Check! awww, shit 6. Ain’t me, urghh better make it then??WTF?)

Let’s take this face forward. Belonging or not to any of the above, not so defined cathegories.

We all want to belong there.

Why?

What 21st century woman wants to be any of the opposite?

We have the bar set up pretty high, and with it, we, women, once again got to score a goal against ourselves.

We gather in little hordes of girlfriends, mostly single, desperate and insecure to the bone, to fuel that little self esteem we hide to face the big bad world all alone…

So what we really have is loads of half-way successful (mostly never succesful enough by default) little girls trying to fill that big girl pants society and/or family and/or partners (oh yes, they too) entitled them to wear.

We are a generation raised by a generation of “dameged goods” as parents.

I see our parents as grown old children, who only saw the aim of growing up to being able to pay all the damage done by the authority of society and family upon them straight back to the next generation. (This is a simplified take)

They flew from under the wings of their parents straight into marriage and parenthood without ever facing their shortcomings, and there they started to pay it all ‘back’.

Do you still get relationship advice, if not straight obligations from your mom, who have not had a sexual relationship for years, not even with your father, who she lives with?

Career advice from your life-long stay at home mom?

Advice from dad to tone down the boogie in your feet and be calm, stay at home do nothing at age 16-20?

And examples can go on forever.

They are damaged goods raising another generation of damaged goods.

We need to break the cycle.

Become who and whatever we actually are. Not only superhero, self-sufficient, lady crossfit wonder woman types.

I would be lying to say I do not consider myself a strong woman, but I did a serious internship with life, my own life! Not, what mom and dad wanted or my boyfriend or my husband, or society or what other else outer force wanted me to live.

I learned, the hard way, I was damaged goods, doing all the fuckups damaged goods do.

Was I superladywonderwoman when I was married to a full blown psychological abuser (shadow man, as coined here: http://kellymarceau.com/sexy-conscious-awake-women-shed-light-on-unconscious-shadow-men/)

No way, but I had shit to put in place in my head and I did.

Now it is over, not over yesterday, but over years ago, and I still am cautious about what I go around advising others in a similar situation.

What I see now is little girls fiddling in their enormous big girl pants, giving out life advice like candy without the leastest of ideas.

And I, need to admit, am one of the causes. I self-trained many of these girls around myself, suprised by people’s abilities of twisting shit around, let that be example or advice.

And now, the car crash.

I did spent hours helping a friend set up her local performer prices, just to see her 6 months later doing low end gigs for 25 euros a night at a place, that is only taking her to a mental institution.

I set another friend in the direction of aerial arts just to listen to her talking to a cirque the soleil aerialist, selling herself as the most professional aerialist, while she haven’t touched an apparatus in a year.

I was a personal psychologist, big sister, half mom, flatmate and whatnot to another friend, just to be asked to carry suitcases in my 4th month of pregnancy, not being able to clean my ass in the toilet without her talking, complaining and self assuring, and then after all, she leaves with a days notice, leaving us flat bankrupt with the rent to be payed in 2 days. She, the one now giving relationship advices, as a good alpha female, without being able to hold up a healthy, not abusive relationship in the last 5 years, or rather her lifetime… Leaving the stage all hurt and victimized, but getting onto the wild as the aplha queen of the universe, whose life is so exceptionally hard…

Whose fault is all this?

Mine!

Why?

You cannot train alpha females!!

It is not an english language course. So here comes the uselessness of all articles about how an female is like or should be, or all the checklists.

Because the real kick ass ladies are a million different way… here would come the punline of and they give no smokin’ sh#t about your opinion… but not even that, they might even do, if you are someone worth listening to.

Find your own way and personality please and forget about these self assuring articles.

We are human, we all need to learn.

Xxx

Karma and choosing the right partner

I keep meeting ladies, who can’t stop yabbering about how much they don’t understand why they cannot find a ‘good man’, cuz they are ‘soo good and kind’ people and where the hell is fucking karma fixing this shit!??

Well, I learned some things spending the last 29 years in this world. So unsolicited life advice from tha Mielitta Cup of Sweetness…

Expecting and blaming karma, God, Allah, luck, our horrible childhood or who or whatever is great, but we, women choose our partners! Or at least we should!

So you obviously see, if you just fell for the dudes sticking or kinda sticking the longest to you, well, I just discovered your first problem and it did not cost you money.

I have personally been through all sorts of nightmarish relationships, drug addict, sexual abuser, passive-agressive sociopath (just like my mother, no coincidence), narcissists of all kinds, the kindest sexual sadist (no kidding), etc.

So you bet, for this array of ‘fun’ you surely need a ‘background’, BUT, talking to friends I realize, that girls with just fine backgrounds also fall in the same ditch.

So why?

Because, they get to think, that all there is…
better with ‘him’ than alone…
too old to be single at age 29…
too old to not hold up a year+ relationship at age 24…
not that pretty…
not that smart…
yadda-yadda…

I tend to say, if you want a good guy you need to clear the way! He won’t come close, if you’ve got an idiot blocking his view.

Assholes are a zillion and one out there, but the good guys, they are a lot harder to find, and many times are taken by the smarter and faster.

I get to realize how utterly important a good partner is right now, now, that I am pregnant. And I thank my bestest of luck to have found this man. I mean, now, I am with a man, 3 years my minor, but a MAN, from top to bottom, I can stay at home, I am taken care of, actually we mutually take care of each other, I do a lot more of a housewife for now, until I can start flying on aerials for a living again. (and hey, if you straight think it’s all about the money, then your values are not at place here, it’s about everything else)

So, if you ever want children, you don’t just want, you NEED a good man. Otherwise you end up having two children and I can tell you, the smaller will be the one giving you less problems.

I realized, that all the array of pseudo-males I had before were looking for a mommy they could also fuck. Well, since Mr. Csernus (hungarian psichyatrist) we know how sick is that and how those relationships end (underline this word).

A relationship doesn’t need to be a never ending soap opera, playing the 2583. episode.

So how to not waste your time and spot Mr. Wrong on the dot?

Listen to him.

First thing.

Is he making you uncomfortable or bad about yourself?

(Let’s pretend we are all driving around a healthy self esteem, so a simple compliment would not sound as an attack on our integrity)

If yes, just walk, if you can, run, otherwise he’ll catch up.

Mr. Passive-Agressive I-need-to-boost-my-selfesteem-by-bashing-you-down

So comments like ‘Sure, you’re pretty, but beauty doesn’t last, what will you have to offer once it’s gone…’
Or ‘I though you get a better education in this corner of the universe…’ ‘Oh, insert your job, is quite interesting, but there’s plenty of it, what makes you stand out?’ – Are you feeling it?
That belittling sarcasm going on, as if you are talking to an enemy, or as if on a cruel job interview. That is never a good beginning and continue is a one-way ticket to permanent psychological damage.

You think he doesn’t know? Oh he does way too well.

Calling on a girl, who had acne problems all her life over a single spot, making her feel miserable sounds like not knowing? (We are further into a relationship here)
Picking on a size XS athlete for having a cm of rather skin, than fat on her inner thighs. (Or on any size girls for any fat, she feels or not comfy with, so here you go, even us skinnies get it)

Mr. I-so-want-family-and-children

But, cannot commit/keep his dick in his pants/clean his dishes/earn his money/pay attention to anything other than play station/never moved out of mom’s, etc.

Mr. Me-moi-myself-yo-and-I

Really? Are you Russel Brand or what? I bet you believe you’re just that witty, and if so please take a microphone and make living out of it and choose another topic for date night.

Mr. All-my-exs-were-evil-bitches

So what will you be when it’s over?

Listen to the way he behaves.

That is, observe. Just lay back and observe, don’t be judgemental upfront, give him a chance, but do observe and don’t let yourself blindfolded by the picture perfect sweetness he’s telling.

So, if he’s…

Mr. Self-titled Supercaring

Engeneer or so with a high pitch job and pretty flat, no family, kids or disabled turtle to maintain, then, you bet, he can fucking pay that pineapple juice you’re taking. Why? Cuz, yes, we love it old fashioned, especially if he is obviosly looking for pussy the very same night.

Mr. Oh-my-friends-dont-care-about-me

Who never answers the phone, or doesn’t stick to his promises…

Mr. Im-such-a-great-person

Who can’t stop bragging about how he helps everyone including the starving children of Africa, but never seems to help anyone, just when you are around, not even you with the grocery…

Mr. I-want-to-take-it-easy

Already unzipping your jeans, while saying this…

Mr. I-ignore-your-intelligence-and-act-as-if-you-are-not-talking

That.

Mr. The-world-is-out-to-get-me aka Mr. Unlucky

Pity party. Non-stop.

Etc.

Listen to your insticts.

Don’t listen to your girlfriends/mother/aunt/sister pushing you in, it’s not their boyfriend to be!

Your Mom thinks, great match, cuz he’s a doctor/engeneer/rocket scientist and has money? Well, if he’s reluctant to drop a dime on dinner with you while buying his flights to Jamaica, complaining about how expensive it is to you, who is currently unemployed, may not be that much of a great match.

Something is just off, but oh he seems so decent…

Do you really want to find out what is off?

Lack of sexuality, some kind of a paraphilia, mental disorder, impotence… and all of these untreated… Imagine, pulling this guys pants down only to see some gruesome STD on the night, well, this is the same, just not with a necesserally physical problem.

Only people with the greatest need to see one, avoid psychologist or the topic of seeing one.

One of my exs told me to go and see one, around the end of our relationship, because he thought I had a sick way of sticking to him (that thing called marriage). In two sessions I got to realize how life will so continue, if I leave him, and I did, and my life continued and started to be just great like two months after the final break up.
On the other hand, he himself, would have never gone, with a past of serious childhood abuse and after hearing my results, asked me, where she studied and bashed down Hungarian universities and psychology in general… Obviously a highly educated man, willing to see outsite his own litterbox…

Here you have Mr. Wrong sorted.

‘So Mr. Right where are you???? Because I soooo deserve you, dammit. Karma you bitch you fucked me over, I’m 33 and still don’t have the guy!!!’

But Mr. Right is looking for Miss. Right. So if you, yourself, as a lady fall into the upper categories, don’t be surprised, that you are not getting any.

Also.

Miss I-need-all-the-attention-at-any-price

Having lunch with other people and a guy and out of context drops comments like ‘Oh, I love, when it hurts, because that is the only thing I can actually feel’ just won’t make you look interesting at all, rather someone with some mental issues…at age 15.

Miss Sweet-as-a-teletubby

There is a big difference being cute voiced in an established relationship, in private or in the middle of a restaurant on the second date. So save sugarcoveredcherrytoppedhoneybunny for later.

Miss I-was-but-everyone-was-against-me

I was the best dancer of the company, I was the best aerialist, I was the best climber, but the world wanted to destroy me and insert other excuses…

Ehem, so why there is no proof of any of these claims?

Miss I-am-such-an-artist

Calling yourself an artist and doing strange shit won’t make you an artist, it’s cute when you’re 5, but in your 30’s, well…

Miss I-need-to-proove-I-am-the-best-wife-material

Don’t be desperate. No need to proove anything. Be yourself. No need to bake him a cake every day, either to shine your deepthroat skill on the first night sleeping at his place.

Miss I-am-so-independent

But I constantly seek my friends to invite me, feed me, care for me, get me jobs, and in general others to do shit for me…. ehem, INdependent you are honey… because guys observe too, you know.